In a line: If you want a quick-to-read book about UK adoption for your friends and family, then this book ticks (most of) the boxes.

Note: this review is of the 2004 edition, and the current 2014 edition may differ.

However, first, you have to navigate past the wince-inducing opening line: Adoption is a good way of building a family… Umm. Let’s move on before we get stuck analysing that wording and miss the content that follows. 

What’s In The Book

This book discusses the following in short, quick and easy to read chapters.

• What is adoption (with a bit of historical biblical context)
• The adoption process (in the UK, the two stage process) including information on introductions and the final adoption order
• Your legal rights as the extended family of an adoptee
• The children available for adoption
• Ethnicity, culture and how adopted children might fit into your family
• How you can fit into the adopted family
• Ongoing contact between the adoptee and their family
• Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
• A case study

Each one contains lots of quotes from adopters and their relatives to bring the topic to life and help anyone reading it feel that their thoughts and feelings are normal. These quotes describe some of the challenges in supporting someone who is adopting, like that on page 9:

I know my mum wanted me to tell her all about it, but I couldn’t… I didn’t know if we’d get through and I didn’t want to get her hopes up. (quote from an adopter).

What I Liked About It

• It’s quick to read (it took me about an hour)
• It uses lots of quotes and a case study to bring the topic to life
• It contains just enough of the terms that your family and friends will hear as you go through the adoption process without being overwhelming or confusing (said with the benefit of hindsight)
• It covers many of the most important points, without shying away from the challenges of adopting
• It details some really lovely examples of how grandparents and extended family can make a real difference to adopted families (I loved the paper dolls story)
• It suggests that relatives get involved from the very start – at the information evening. an excellent idea
• It explains why adopters might be reluctant to share information about the process or potential matches when there is still so much uncertainty ahead
• It provides adopters a great insight into how their relatives might be feeling about their inclusion or exclusion in various parts of the process
• It briefly advises relatives ideas on what not to say if they observe behaviours or parenting that goes against their own experiences

I learnt a great deal about how my own reluctance to share information about the process not only contributed to my own sense of isolation and not-being-understood, but might also have impacted on my relatives emotionally.

My favourite story was about the paper dolls (see above) and my favourite advice from the author was how relatives can make a huge difference:

A good listener to tales of many woes, but also of small triumphs, is mostly very welcome

Could It Be Even Better?

I’d have liked more information on how parenting adopted children differs from traditional parenting and help relatives understand why suggesting a time out or a reward chart will fall on stony ground. I know that this is an area that many adopters face, and since they are already struggling to provide the support their child needs to thrive, having their family question or disagree with their approach can be very draining.

That said, the book touches briefly on this issue on page 18, suggesting that relatives should 

rally round to offer practical help while avoiding criticism of the children or of the parents handling of the children.

The author also says that it is never helpful to tell adopters who are struggling that the situation is not unusual or that the children will settle down soon. The quote in the FAQ section under “behaviour problems” demonstrates how relatives (in this case an uncle) can utterly fail to appreciate that adopted children may behave in ways that are unexpected and that can cause relatives to feel that the parents are failing or the child is deliberately misbehaving. Neither could be further from the truth.

The book might also now (in new editions) cover the wider range of adoption options, including foster to adopt.

In Summary

It is short, succinct and contains a lot of useful information and I would recommend buying it, reading it yourself as the adopter and then passing it around your family and friends.

Note: Some adoption agencies and authorities run courses for those who will be related by adoption, so I recommend asking yours if they offer something, as sharing your thoughts and feelings with other people is a powerful experience.