In a line: A goldmine of information on almost any parenting challenge (from biting to stealing, chewing to transitions), such that it is rapidly becoming our Go-To book when things go a bit Pete Tong. 

I kept seeing photos of this book on twitter and being both curious and keen to learn as much as I can about Therapeutic Parenting, I jumped on the bandwagon and ordered a copy.  And I am so glad I did.

What’s In The Book

This book is split into two parts. Part One provides some quick background into various topics that are relevant to therapeutic parenting (TP) without being too heavy on the theory that can sometimes send you to sleep before you even get to the practical stuff. Part One covers:

• How long TP takes to have an impact including the trauma lake (I love this metaphor so much)
• The challenges our children face (blocked trust, hypervigilance etc)
• The foundations of TP work (this chapter is worth the title price alone)
• The PARENTS model (a simple strategy to use in the heat of the moment, priceless again)
• Other TP strategies that can help (drawing on ideas from PACE etc)
• Things NOT to do (from the obvious – smacking – to others like asking why?)
• Managing ourselves (compassion fatigue and self-care and more)

These sections are brilliant. To the point. Relevant. Clear and I have already read them twice. . My favourite quote of all is:

This is our biggest challenge, and is much easier said that done! Keeping your cool is the absolute number one most important response to learn as a therapeutic parent

Sarah is realistic and says that no-one can be TP all the time (and reeeeelax) and writes that sometimes being TP includes shouting (where relevant). She stresses how important we are in this whole equation. Her tone is never condescending, never holier-than-thou, never preachy.  We are in this together and she’s here to help.

Part Two contains fabulous strategies for around 60 different situations from chewing to birthdays, defiance to stealing, obsessions, transitions, holidays, mealtimes, friendships… (the list goes on). For each situation, she covers:

• What it looks like
• Why it might happen
• Strategies to prevent it
• Strategies whilst it is happening
• Strategies after

I only wish I had had this book about 6 months ago when I discovered that Bubbles had chewed through seven school cardigans. How differently I might have managed the situation (and all the others since).

This book is rapidly becoming the most used reference guide for all parents who want some practical, proven, simple strategies to deal with a huge range of issues that we face as we raise our children. I have no doubt that mine will become so well used that I need a second copy for best.

What I Liked About It

• Sarah strikes the perfect balance between background and practical solutions (not much of the former, and lots and lots of the latter)
• She lets us know that we can’t be TP all the time
• She uses simple metaphors (like the trauma lake) to help us grasp ideas
• She doesn’t get hung up on diagnoses, as the strategies work across the spectrum of FASD, ADHD, autism and more
• Her strategies are tried and tested, having adopted five (!) children of her own
• Her tools and techniques work NOW, not in six months’ time
• You don’t have to read part one, just dive in with whatever your biggest problem is
• She has a real depth and range of strategies to deal with a huge range of situations, such that you feel there is the answer to EVERYTHING (parenting) in this book

One of her “Essential Foundations” is to establish a strong routine. And I guess we have resisted having a routine at weekends, even if we bounce between relatively peaceful ones and ones that threaten to turn me into a gin lush.

Last weekend we went on a canal walk and Nibbles struggled. We couldn’t understand why this walk back to an ice-cream location was trickier than our normal, longer circular walk. On reflection, we realised that the children had no idea when it would end, and that uncertainty caused Nibbles to get stressed. Whilst we regularly go for a walk, he wanted to when it would start and finish, rather than this rather ill-defined we’ll-turn-around-soon version. This book gave us a new A-HA, and we really began to think about having more structure in our weekend routines with the children. Even that one change could make a step-change improvement, especially at weekends.

Could It Be Even Better?

When I was recommending this book to a Thrive practitioner, she asked if it mentioned empathy, so I turned to the back of the book. The edition I bought doesn’t have a table of contents to help you find the relevant page, but the publisher has tweeted that future editions will. YAY!

Sarah mentions using “touch and parental presence” to help children regulate. My own experience is that it is very easy in this busy, distracting, smartphone world to pay scant attention to our children (even when they are regulated). When we are juggling our To Do list, it’s all too easy to be texting, making tea, washing up, folding clothes, tidying up whilst our children try to connect with us and gain our attention. As a child, coming home from school, my sister and I would tell our mum outrageous things (Then, Mummy, we ate a squirrel which was yummy) as a game, to see how far we could go, and she’d respond with a murmurred That’s nice because she wasn’t listening. I don’t blame her, she worked hard as a teacher then had a meal to cook, so didn’t have much time for her chatterbox children. But I can see the slippery slope of inattention ahead.

Personally I’d have liked Sarah to suggest using focused parental presence (100% here, 100% attentive, 100% in the NOW, even if only for ten minutes each day) to connect, to build attachment, to build trust and to deepen your relationship with a child, not just to help them regulate. Honestly, this (along with staying calm) is one of MY greatest challenges which is perhaps why I noticed its absence.

But that said, this is the book I have waved (numerous times) at Andy, and told him to read. Because it is a superb summary, Part One is quick and easy to read (an hour perhaps) and it will give him a grounding in all the big issues regarding therapeutic parenting. Then once he is on-board, we can both dip into Part Two as and when we need.

In Summary

This is my favourite book on Therapeutic Parenting to date. Succinct, practical and packed with strategies that you can use day-in and day-out to not only deal with issues as they arrive but also prevent them recurring. I have no doubt that I will read this book on a regular (aka daily) basis to help prompt me with new ideas, new strategies, new ways to help me be a (more) therapeutic parent.

If you haven’t got a copy, buy one, your family may benefit from the moment it lands on your doormat.