Yesterday, Adoption UK and the BBC published a survey of over two thousand adoptive parents in the UK. The results were sobering.
On The Bright Side
An overwhelming majority (percentages not supplied) of adopters said that they were glad that they had adopted. A bright light after some more troubling statistics.
The Dark Side – Violence
Almost two-thirds of adopters had experienced aggressive behaviour. For some this is serious and sustained child-on-parent (CPV) violence. I was shocked. How do parents cope with that? I struggle with being screamed at.
Then I remembered a friend whose young birth son was violent towards her over a decade go. She struggled to get anyone to listen never mind believe that she felt abused by her child. Has nothing changed?
Is CPV a taboo, a hidden problem in our society, ignited by traumas of all kinds? Where it is the only outlet for some young people who find this busy, noisy, overwhelming world of contradictions too much to deal with?
And yet despite two-thirds experiencing aggression, only one quarter were in crisis, suggesting that many parents cope (somehow) and do not suffer breakdown. But a quarter is not a figure to celebrate, although it contrasts strongly to other research (over a 12 year period) stating that only 3.2 % of adoptions disrupt or breakdown.
And I wonder if I should have let Bubbles take kickboxing lessons this term.
The Teenage Threat
Being a teenager is no easy task. It is time where young people are trying to answer the question “who am I?” and find their own identity, one which is complicated by adoption, trauma, separation, neglect and more.
There are ten times more disruptions in the teenage years, which tells me that we are not doing enough to support adopted teenagers.
How do we equip all children, including adoptees to deal with the teenage years – what needs to be done before they get there, before the hormones and bodily changes complicate everything so that they have the tools to cope? What do we need to give adoptive parents so that they can heal their broken children?
Forewarned is forearmed. But is it really that bleak?
A Pinch Of Salt
Clearly an online survey will only capture some adopters. Not all might have seen the invitation to participate or felt they wanted to. With over five thousands adoptions a year, two thousand responses is a small fraction of those who have an adopted child in their household over the years.
Perhaps those most likely to respond are those parents who are struggling – who most need their voice to be heard, who most need the support systems to wake up to the reality they are experiencing, who most need things to change so that they can mend their problems and stitch their family back together, those who most feel unheard and unsupported in their time of crisis.
Regardless of how representative the survey is, around 1300 families have experienced aggression, and nearly 500 are in crisis, which is too many and means there are many more out there needing help.
Are we as a society content that adopters struggle to get support, to get therapy (one adopter on twitter said the waiting lists were too long for the therapy she needs to help her family – a tragic state of affairs), to get the advice, training, help that they as adoptive parents and their children need?
Shining a light on issues definitely helps – it sparks debate and further research, so that people know the truth of adoption. But experts, therapies, support, groups, training, they all need funding. Cold hard cash, if anything is going to change.
Do I Tornado-Proof My Family?
What does our future hold?
My family does not experience child-on-parent violence. The nearest we come to a ‘crisis’ is when Bubbles can’t find her bunny at bedtime.
Andy and I are truly glad we adopted.
Yet this survey shook me up. Am I supremely naive as an adopter? Am I living in adoption fairy-land, hoping that we will buck the trend and live happily ever after? I want to believe that this will all work out, that our family will be just like other families out there, even if my children arrived through an unusual route.
As I walk the children to school in the morning, hand-in-hand, should I continue our chats about unicorns and the Haka, or start digging into therapeutic parenting to prepare for the coming storm?
Relax, Enjoy, Read
For now, all I can do is enjoy the time I have with my children. My beautiful, fascinating, surprising, giggle-inducing, warm-hugging children. Snuggled into the bliss of our family life peppered with the odd tantrum or meltdown over something and nothing.
And yet whilst I sit in the sunshine and read, it might just be a book by Dan Hughes (as recommended by @mumdrah) just in case.
What are your thoughts on the survey?
