Our kids need to know they are loved. Not just with a hug (see below) and a “Love You” sung as they walk out the door.

We have to show them every day that we love them no matter what.

• If they look like they were dragged through a hedge backwards, we love them and let them express their inner worlds with whatever they choose to wear
• If they refuse to take painkillers and then cannot attend school because of excruciating pain, we let them know that their choices are valid, even if we might make different ones in our own lives
• If their bedrooms look like a bombsite but that chaos is how they want to live, we shrug and move on*

*I struggle with this one the most. I can’t tell you how many times my teen has shouted at me to “stop tidying” when I shut a spilling-over open drawer or pick up socks for the wash. It’s my problem that the sheer mess in their rooms makes me tingle with discomfort.

Special Needs

Our two children are neurodiverse teens (where did that time go?) They have sensory issues that we are starting to get to grips with. Understanding how they respond to sound, smells, light, noise, people, crowds, environments helps us respond with more love and empathy.

Until recently, I had no idea that my daughter is freaked out by things that look like they will feel one way (soft, squidgy) but actually when touched feel totally different (hard, slimy, tickly). My son would rather walk over hot coals than go into a scented candle shop or Lush (other overwhelmingly smelly shops are available). And I get that, because I can’t bear it either. But I can’t always rely on what matters to me is what matters to them. I have to get inside their minds and experiences.

Loving them unconditionally means putting aside my wants or expectations – when half-way through an event (film, meal), they text me (or mime) that we have to leave because some smell or experience has tipped them into fight or flight. I might want to stay. I might wish my children found it easier. But loving them means listening, nodding sagely and getting the heck out of Dodge.

I can’t always live inside their skin, but I can do my best to be open to being influenced by them, trusting them to tell me their truth. Even when I am tired. Even when I am busy. Even when it is 11pm and I really, really want to be asleep.

Clothes Reflect Their Inner Life

I can tell a great deal about how my daughter is feeling from the outfit she chooses.

• If she is scared, overwhelmed, anxious – out come the baggy fleeces and tee-shirts, creating an invisibility cloak. She doesn’t want any attention as she’s already fizzing. These items (often purloined from my husband’s wardrobe) act as armour, or a cloaking device. They matter to her. They also surround her with her dad, so she feels safe, hugged by his presence.
• If she is feeling great, confident (which isn’t often) – she might be rocking big boots, a short shirt, tight clothing. She’s ready to take on the world and be noticed. One day recently, I saw her walking out of our house dressed to kill. She looked incredible and I nearly burst into tears (embarrassing!) because she exuded confidence. [It had been a long, long time.]

She’s amazing and stylish and I love her quirky individuality, even if not everyone finds it quite to easy to accept.

Conditions Creep In

My daughter was staying with old friends when an adult commented she looked scruffy (in her baggy armour). They asked her to change before they went out. My daughter texted me, very upset. She felt that their love was now conditional – on her looking or dressing a certain way. She stopped feeling accepted, safe. Her anxiety started to grow and grow; she texted with increasing exclamation marks, teary emojis and I wanted to drive over and rescue her.

Clothes are important, but touch is an even bigger issue: she hates to be hugged. Accepting that sometimes she is going to put up her hand in a stop motion and tell me to back off, isn’t easy. But forcing a hug on her tells her loud and clear that what she needs from me doesn’t matter (when it does). So we don’t hug, unless she asks for one. Because in loving her unconditionally I need to respect her world, her life, her choices. The more I back off, and respect her needs, the more hugs (paradoxically) I get from her.

We can all learn to be a bit more accepting. To love without conditions. To understand that each person is unique, different. The world is expanding and people are finding new ways to express who they are – whether that’s what they wear, their taste in music or food, their gender identity or sexuality. I want us to create a world where our young unicorns are given love and acceptance, so they don’t have to pretend to be a horse to fit in.

I’m learning what each of my crazy, amazing, neurodiverse children need. How best to show them love (chocolate biscuits and sensory fidgets are always good) and how to adjust what I say and do, so that the message comes through loud and clear.

I love you exactly who you are in this moment now.