How To Make Road Trips With Kids Fun

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Google maps tells me the trip to Devon takes five hours. HA! Never in a month of traffic jams. Sixteen trips tells me that five hours is hopelessly optimistic regardless of how fast we drive on the clear sections of the motorway. Nine hours is far more likely.

That’s a long time for anyone, nevermind two restless children to cope with. Now I’ve never created a nine sing-along of joy and happiness, but I’ve also stopped short of frisbee-ing a certain Nursery Rhymes CD out of the car window too (five CDs of rhymes and they only wanted the twenty seconds of humpty dumpty on endless repeat!). I have however learnt a few things to make the time pass more amicably and happily.

Break It Up

Roughly divide the time into chunks – never more than an hour, more like thirty minutes by the ninth hour of the trip. Those chunks might then be one of the following:

  • Radio or music (sometimes adults’ choice, sometimes the kids’ favourite tracks or a movie soundtrack)
  • Audio books (from Roahl Dahl, David Walliams, The Giggler Treatment, Groosham Grange)
  • Tablet time – either games or movies we’ve downloaded in advance (and tested that they work without WIFI!)
  • Drawing or reading (whilst the adults chat)

In between these big chunks, are puzzles, prizes and snacks.

Puzzles Win Prizes

I print out a range of eye-spy or car-trip-related puzzles for both the outgoing and return journeys. Searching “road trip printables” online will generate plenty of options – just beware the American versions that have the kids pulling their hair out trying to find cars that don’t exist in the UK (like Buick or Acura)

The favourite ones for our kids are eye-spy bingo types (plenty of versions from car colours, brands, road signs, things to spot in the air), word searches, a traffic jam game where you move forward based on finding cars you coloured in earlier. You might also have travel games such as battleships or scrabble or fishing games to suit (there are some cool little games-in-a-tin you can make).

These might only last five to ten minutes before the kids get bored (and blatantly cheat just to finish the game, which is fine). They provide a bit more variety and we award prizes every time to every child.

Prizes? Surprises!

When they complete the puzzle (or quit), I pass over a wrapped present for each child. I tend to buy six to eight presents per child per trip (about one an hour).

One of the first ones will be chewing gum (for regulation) and then a sticker book, colouring book and pens. That gives them things to do as well as something to chew. The rests will be anything from a packet of raisins to sweets, a mini figure or a puzzle. The surprise and the unwrapping both create a frisson of joy to break up the journey.

Snacks Snack and More Snacks

I am hungry!

This is my kids favourite refrain on a car journey. Yes I know they are mostly bored, but sometimes it’s just easier to give them a few grapes. Providing the snacks are healthy, not too sticky, don’t shred into tiny bits that stick to the car seats, then a few treats to break up the journey isn’t going to hurt. Snacks like:

  • Grapes – providing the child is old enough not to choke
  • Carrot sticks/ cucumber/ cherry tomatoes (the latter tend to explode)
  • Oat cakes or other high fibre crackers
  • Dried apricots (less sticky than prunes, less sweet than dates)
  • Brazil nuts (seeds tend to get dropped and lost)
  • Dry cereal

And however many snacks the kids have consumed, it won’t stop them wanting meals – we tend to pack two picnics with plenty of variety and more than enough food to eat. But where to stop?

Choose Your Pit Stops

There are service stations that are endless concrete, no outside space and dingy loos, and there are ones with play parks, views, grass, walks, ponds and a farm shop. On a trip to Devon, where we know it will take around eight to nine hours, we will have two long (hour) breaks to break up the travel, get fresh air, stretch our legs, runaround, eat a meal and so on.

The kids need to run and jump and play and chase and more. So pick the sort of pit stops that will make your breaks more fun (Tebay at Westmorland, Gloucester Services are both fabulous).

It Never Goes To Plan

Sometimes I drive, just to hand over the “in-car entertainment” reins to my husband, who hasn’t a clue what I have planned or how to run the games. So that works brilliantly.

The key is to keep your cool and have a sense of humour about it all. Things won’t go to plan, they never do. Someone will need a loo break seconds after you pull back onto the motorway (probably my husband!). Someone may have a sulk because their favourite game will not work without WIFI and they won’t play anything else. There will be arguments about which audiobook to listen to, or which playlist. But that’s all okay.

That’s when you secret back-up piece of chocolate or extra present come in handy. Or you just wind the window down and scream at the scenery.

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How To Stay Sane #Lockdown 1

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Home schooling. Working from home. Managing change in a hugely uncertain time with no end in sight. Not the easiest To Do list for anyone, but as a parent, particularly of traumatised children, it is rock hard with screams on.

Your To Do list starts with YOU. No really. It does.

Your #1 priority is to keep yourself sane. Because if you crumble, if your tank is empty, then there’s nothing left to hold your family together. So here are just a few ways that might just help you stay the right side of crazy (a little bit bonkers but not full on coocoo).

News? Shut UP!

It is a time of huge change for the entire world and it’s easy to feel we need to keep in touch with the spread and impact of this global pandemic. Yes and No. Once or twice a day is enough, not 24/7. Mute the news and Boris.

Slack Cutting 101

Feeling the pressure to recreate school at home? Stop. Stop expecting the impossible from yourself, just because the media believe that you can – and should – do it all. Therein lies the kind of stress what will give you diabetes and cirrhosis once this is all over.

We’ve tried everything (no schedule, all schedule, incentives) and to be honest, some days the kids (one or both) are willing to learn, some days inviting them to breakfast in a sing-song voice turns them into spinning, spitting children from the Exorcist.

Cut yourself some slack. A bit more. LOTS more.

Make your life easy by reducing your job to the bare minimum: keeping yourself and your family as safe as possible given the circumstances.

Completing tasks set by school is optional. Baking is optional. Happiness is desirable but often out of your (sole) control. Staying sane is essential, which brings us onto giggling…

The Antidote to Lockdown

Laughter is the antidote to stress, so not just welcome as a distraction, but it also strengthens our immune system. You’re welcome. As a doctor (not a medical one), I prescribe a minimum of one daily dose of piss-your-pants comedy to get you through this weirdness.

Here are my sanity-saving favourites:

  1. The Sh*g, Married, Annoyed Podcast with Chris and Rosie Ramsey is my Go To listen when it’s gone tits up (headphones very much required). Hilarious and light-hearted, it has sixty-plus episodes in its back catalogue but I love the lockdown ones best.
  2. Comedy Series such as Community and Brooklyn Nine-Nine (both Netflix) or our new favourite ‘Breeders’ (Sky or NOW TV). It’s like Outnumbered, but post watershed. Piss funny and all about the struggle of parenting. Lots of swearing.
  3. Phoning a friend (FaceTime, if Andy isn’t hogging the wifi for work – how very dare he?). Share the misery and laugh about just how forking hard this all is. How it sucks. How many times you’ve cried or lost the plot today. Even when we’re clinging onto sanity with our fingertips, surfing a sh*tstorm of negative experiences, it’s rare that I hang up without feeling lighter and happier than before.

Stream It

Thank God the internet is okay.

Adult time in the evening has become essential as an antidote to the daily struggle. We’ve even instigated weekly Friday date-nights: the kids read to themselves (read: bounce on the beds) and wine o’clock starts at 7.30pm so we can watch a movie in one sitting (luxury!)

We’ve got into the habit of streaming the National Theatre Live events, starting with One Man, Two Guvnors (hilarious slapstick), as well as the jaw-dropping Frankenstein (incredible and mesmerising). But sometimes we haven’t the energy or concentration to wade through three hours of Shakespeare and need something suited to lockdown brain. Like the fabulous Richard Curtis film ‘Yesterday’. Lovely, sweet, touching escapism. Just what the doctor ordered.

This Too Shall Pass

Times are tough. But one day lockdown and the threat of Covid-19 will end and something akin to normality (distant cousin perhaps) will return. Hang in there. You can do this.

Look after yourself, because YOU matter more than you know.

Hit Me Up

With another weekend looming, hit me up with your favourite funny or touching films/ podcasts/ and tips for getting through this with a small sliver of sanity intact…

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Girl reading and colouring in den

How to Navigate Transitionitis

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July is a rock hard month. Every year. The end-of-term routines are chaotic, unpredictable and with all the changes ahead, children often feel adrift. They are overwhelmed and dysregulate at levels unprecedented in the other eleven months of the year. Whilst we haven’t found a magic wand, there are some things we focus on to help our children cope:

  • Things that minimise out-of-school overwhelm
  • Things that calm and soothe
  • Things that engage their bodies in sensory activities
  • Things that de-stress them

Here are a few ideas from me and my twitter friends:

Lean On Your Routines

Make home a haven of normality and routine

  • Say no to parties, trips, and out-of-the-ordinary events. Children are already coping with so much in school, they don’t need even more piled on top at home
  • Create a predictability at the weekend with a routine if you don’t already have one – a mix of sensory stuff, laughter, exercise and calm time

Calm and Soothe

  • Reading together – we’ve recently begun reading together before the school run (walk), as that provides a very calming environment, where we are sat or cuddled close together and sharing an activity
  • Chewing gum – that chewing action on school pick-up can really help them to cope. And research has even proven it. If you don’t like gum, then raw carrots or toffees or bagels are all chewy alternatives
  • Sucking on hard boiled sweets, lollipops, or on drinks through straws. Choose a thick (but not too thick) liquid like a thick milkshake as it both lasts longer and has a stronger sensory impact
  • Singing nursery rhymes or simple songs. Sure, you might be fed-up of Daddy Shark or the Narwhal song but your kids might just need that repetitive and funny song to centre them

Engage Their Senses

  • Bashing, sucking or melting their favourite Lego or plastic characters out of ice-cubes (with hot water pistols)
  • Digging for dinosaurs or unicorns that you have buried in the garden – with their hands or spoons
  • Water fights or paddling pools if the sun is shining
  • Baking together – with lots of tasting and testing and licking of bowls and spoons and then eating something delicious at the end of it all
  • Bouncing – trampolines and bouncy castles can be great at relieving stress and creating a rhythmic sensation
  • Games that include blowing are great for regulation as it helps control their breathing (long exhales are the key)

Chill – Maximum Downtime

  • Avoid homework or bringing school home in any way – its stressful enough without invading their home life as well
  • Relax, alot – movie nights, games, reading in their bedrooms, playing Lego together, painting, drawing – whatever is relaxing for them
  • Dens and small spaces are often heavenly for children who find the emotional and sensory overwhelm exhausting – even a small tent in the garden can be a real respite for them
  • Get outdoors – there is something inherently calming about big open spaces, nature, trees, beaches, sand, soil.

Let It Go

At this point in the school year, the focus in our house is on regulation. Keeping everything calm.

So I might help them dress, put their clothes away (rather than insisting they help), accept that one minutes’ teeth brushing is enough for today, pick up more of their stuff than normal. I also tend to back off insisting they contribute to household tasks – I tend to tidy a bit more, put their laundry away when they are at school.

This is not about creating a precedent or even letting them get away with it. It is about accepting that at this time their capacity is reduced, so I adjust my expectations to avoid tipping them into an amygdala hijack (or meltdown).

Some children need plenty of exercise and extra sleep. It is about knowing (and experimenting) with what works to help your young people to cope with a very tricky time of year.

In the end, it’s all about making everyone’s lives a little bit easier.

Just until term is over and we can all breathe again.

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End of Term Problems

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‘Time to turn off the television/ tablet‘ you say in your best sing-song voice.

‘Yes Mummy/ Daddy‘ your child replies gleefully as they turn it off and skip to you for a hug.

For many of us the above is a fictional account of what happens, because…

Change is a shock.

There are little changes like shutting down a tablet and big ones like the end of a school year – which is a layer upon layer of tricky stuff to cope with.

Problem 1: They Are Bone Tired

  1. By the end of the school year, my kids are tired. Exhausted. Ready for a break.
  2. Because they are running on empty, they are more prone to coughs, colds, tonsillitis and more.
  3. Whilst they need a break, the holidays are a freestyle period of spontaneity. However much we discuss our plans, they struggle to grasp that amount of information in advance, so feel insecure about what is coming next.
  4. Long light days make sleeping harder (even with blackout blinds and curtains).

That in itself is quite a lot to cope with. But there’s more.

Problem 2: Transitionitis

Of course, the end of one school year is much more than just the end of term. Because next year, after the summer holiday:

  • Their teacher and teaching assistant will change
  • Their classroom and peg and drawer will change
  • Who they sit next to and the classroom dynamics will change
  • What and how they learn will change

EVERYTHING will change

Problem 3: Routine Is Thrown Out Of The Window

Dear Teachers

Please note – for every “exciting” thing you put into your end of term timetable, some pupils find them very, very, very stressful. Your exciting event is my children’s panic, stress, nightmares, inability to sleep, relax, enjoy or learn.

An Exhausted Mum

The end of term brings a veritable cornucopia of anxiety-inducing events. From sports’ day, to discos, non-uniform days, outdoor events, residentials or trips, plus award ceremonies, end-of-term assemblies and prize-givings. And don’t get me started on last year’s surprise talent competition…

If you’ve rocked a sobbing child who’s too stressed to sleep for days before each of these “fun” events, you too might roll your eyes when school announces yet another end-of-term surprise. Colour me unconvinced that these special events are great for all children.

Solutions: What Our Children Need

When the future seems wobbly, children need routine

What schools can do:

  • Stick to the routine as much as possible, for as long as you can
  • Provide lots of warning and a clear timetable for these non-routine events to parents in advance (no surprises, please!)
  • Pick one day of the week as your Event Day and then keep the rest of the timetable intact
  • Consider how your exciting events impact on those children who crave certainty and predictability in order to feel safe and stay calm (and essentially able to learn)
  • Schedule events throughout the year, rather than cramming them all at the end of term
  • Focus on laughter and fun during transition events to help kids relax
  • Create a comprehensive and gradual transition plan – starting the week after spring half-term and building gradually

When faced with change, with uncertainty ahead, with transition, many children need routine and predictability to help them feel calm, not spontaneity and excitement.

Ask yourself as a school what you can do to reduce not increase anxiety.

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Tummy Time

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After all the interest in my blog “Neglect at their Core“, I thought I’d write a blog specifically on Tummy Time – because not just any “lying on their tummy” time will do. The technique is important, so here is some specific advice to help you and your child develop their core neck and shoulder strength.

Make It Fun, Make It Often

  1. Build It In. If you can, create a regular routine to Tummy Time. We use TV time during the bedtime routine so it becomes just a natural part of what they do. Two months in and I still need to remind them, but they grab and cushion and lie down without a fuss.
  2. Make It Fun – start with something they already enjoy like TV time or tablet time or playing games. It helps to distract them from the fact that the position can feel quite unusual or uncomfortable at first.
    You could pretend to be sharks as you read a story, do it while they are colouring, or when playing board games (we love collaborative games).
  3. Praise Them – My children are quite competitive, so it helped when I timed them and showed them improving. I also gave them a tonne of praise (whooping, cheering, high fives) however long they managed.
  4. Start Small and Build. Bubbles could do less than five minutes at first, but we kept doing it daily and now she can do thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at a time.

Technique Counts

Here are some key elements to Tummy Time:

  1. Their body should like in a straight line from head to feet. If they struggle to hold that line, you can sandwich them between bodies (lie next to them) or pillows or a sofa or something to keep the line straight.
  2. Both their hips need to be on the floor. That means no tilting, no favouring one side, no wriggling. To make this fun, you can sit a teddy or their favourite toy on their bottom or lower back and reward them if the toy doesn’t fall off.
  3. You can use a cushion under their chest or arms to help make it more comfortable. We also found a rug or blanket under their body helped in the early days to soften the impact of the floor.
  4. The child should prop themselves up on their elbows – either to see something or play the game.

Sarah Lloyd shares a wealth of other ideas to build skills in your children in her book “Improving Sensory Processing in Traumatised Children” including work with blowing, crisps, touch and more.

Why Does This Matter?

Sarah Lloyd was kind enough to share with me, in her own words, the reasons why Tummy Time matters so much:

“Typically developing babies get control from the head down, from all the lovely floor time play we’re wanting babies to be doing with their parents or carers. This allows control to develop very naturally, starting with the head, then the shoulders and core get stronger.

You can see this really clearly if you watch babies learning to roll. When they start they can usually manage to go from their side onto their tummies, and then from their tummies to their backs and finally, from their back over onto their tummy.  From here, they can prop themselves up on their hands / outstretched arms and are almost ready for the off. All of these are such important stages in the child learning where their body is from the inside out, and building stability and strength.

Children who have spent those early months in frightening or neglectful situations tend to miss out on all of these movements that happen within that loving relationship, and this means that their bodies don’t get that fabulous foundation of core strength and stability before they start to move around and walk.”

“But it’s never too late – doing things like Tummy Time is the most effective way to go back and begin to fill in some of those gaps around core stability.”

Sarah Lloyd – author of “Improving Sensory Processing in Traumatized Children”
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Neglect At Their Core

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Bubbles is watching TV. Sitting – but not sitting.

  • She starts on her hands and knees
  • Seconds later, she tucks her bottom in and sits on her legs
  • She wriggles and moves her legs from under her
  • She sits with one leg on, one leg dangling off the sofa
  • Then she’s sits cross-legged
  • She moves again, perching with her bottom in the air

We’d often ask if she wanted the toilet. Mostly she didn’t, so why was she so fidgety, so restless? At teatime, the story is similar…

  • She takes her legs out and dangles one leg over the edge of the chair, so she is precariously off-balance all the time
  • She swings both legs furiously like a frantic pendulum
  • Occasionally she even tips far enough to fall off her chair
  • Always leaning heavily on her arms to keep herself upright, making her eating look clumsy and odd.

She never seems relaxed and I can’t help wondering how this affects her ability to concentrate at school. Is this hypervigilance (from having to always be “on guard” to keep herself safe as a child)? Is it just being a kid, or a reflection of her trauma?

Nothing I read in any of the books on trauma and adoption seem to even mention this physical symptom. I shrug and pray she will eventually “grow out of it.”

She Missed Commando Training

Then we attended a Post Adoption Support course recently on sensory development, led by the insightful and inspiring Sarah Lloyd.

Sarah explained in detail (as we took turns to lie on the floor and crawl) the way a child’s body builds:

  • first in the shoulders and neck – holding their head up, then lying on their tummy and craning to see
  • then rolling, commando-crawling – dragging their body forward with their arms and shoulders
  • later crawling on all fours, with opposite arms and legs moving in synchronised bilateral movement

She talks about floppy children. How you hold them and they sink and sag, as if their stuffing is missing.

Some children miss out on these stages of physical development. They are kept in baby rockers or car seats, and don’t do enough crawling to strengthen their neck and shoulders. Not only that, because they don’t turn and move alot, causing fluid to rush through their inner ear, their sense of balance is under-developed too.

Sarah explains how in extreme cases, a child might have to lean against a wall, their shoulder touching it the whole way, in order to walk down a corridor.

What’s more, she says that emotional regulation comes after physical regulation, so starting here is essential. That really gets my attention!

But They Can Walk!

Sarah asks us ‘At what age should a child be able to walk down the stairs, one foot on each step, without holding onto the railings?‘

Eight? Six? Seven? We suggest tentatively.

‘Two‘ she responds.

The gasps and shock that ripples around the room are clear evidence that our children have not met some physical milestones, despite their other achievements. We boldly offer evidence in their defence: “But they can run miles/ swim/ ride a bike” we protest. Sarah unveils the truth:

You can’t build their bodies from the legs up. They have to build from the neck and shoulder girdle down.

Sarah Lloyd

There Is Hope

As Sarah demonstrates, our children are underdeveloped. Yet she explains that we can take steps to retrace those missing items and build their sensory system in the order it was meant to develop.

Her advice seemed simple, against the complexity of trauma. But encouraged by her research and videos, we decide to give it a go. This is what we do:

  1. Stage 1: Tummy Time. We encourage Bubbles to watch TV at bedtime on her tummy (and other times). At first she manages five minutes before complaining that it hurts, but she builds to an hour within a few months.
  2. Stage 2: Commando Crawling and Wheelbarrows. We create races between the two (for Nibbles joins in after about a month, when his sister rapidly overtakes his shoulder strength). Even to the point that they do a wheelbarrow up the stairs to bed.
  3. Stage 3: Sucky Puddings (see part 2 of this blog).

In the physical stages 1 and 2, Sarah suggest we focus on technique. For instance, on lying straight, both hips on the ground for Tummy Time. It’s not about how long they do it, but getting the body in the right position.

Does It Work?

For the first month, we focused on Stage 1: Tummy Time (read more in my blog detailing this exercise here).

I had low expectations. Not because Sarah wasn’t brilliant, but because it seemed too simple, too obvious.

When was I last kicked at teatime? I thought to myself about a week into the experiment. I put my knife and fork down and sat back in my chair, casting a casual eye at my daughter. She was sat dead centre on the chair, and her legs were swaying a little, but nothing much.

No way. I thought to myself. It’s only been a week or so. Surely not? To say I was surprised was an understatement.

But she continued to sit in this manner. She started to lean back in her chair, without leaning heavily on her arms to keep herself upright. Her posture and core strength began to build, all from bedtime TV Tummy Time.

I was aghast. I wished I’d learnt this years ago. Just hours of lying on her tummy watching TV and she had begun to rebuild her core, resolving years of wiggling, fidgeting and leaning. I became a convert.

Yes there is more to rebuild. Yes it will take time to continue to work on these areas. No we don’t always do the exercises. But it feels that we’ve added another (important) piece of the jigsaw puzzle that will help our children become of the best versions of themselves that they can.

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Fight or Flight?

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When you are stressed, your body creates a number of automatic reactions, over which you have little control.

What used to be known as the fight or flight response can also include freeze and flop. But my children stick to the original line-up.

Flight

Bubbles reacts with Flight. When her emotions, when her world becomes too overwhelming for her, when she doesn’t know how to cope with what she is feeling inside, she runs and hides. In tiny dark corners or under beds, out of reach.

I want to get close, to stroke her back or hand, but mostly I have learnt to keep my distance, until she is ready. Sometimes I stay well away, more often I am close by – sometimes inside and sometimes outside her room.

“I’m right here when you need a hug“

She needs silence and space. Neither of which are easy for me, when I want to envelope her in a big comfy hug and tell her how much I love her.

With time (a few minutes mostly), she calms down, comes out of her room and we have a big hug.

Regulation in Flight

I might want to talk. To soothe away her fears with words and reasoning and more, but I have learnt to be patient. There are 3 stages to helping any child struggling with their emotions:

  1. Regulate
  2. Relate
  3. Reason

(This trilogy comes from Bruce Perry and here is a good graphic about it from Beacon House to print out and put on your fridge.)

Until Bubbles is calm and happy (and it’s up to her to decide when that is), I keep my vocalisation to comforting murmurs:

  • No discussion nor debate
  • No ‘helpful’ suggestions
  • Not even empathic words that tell her we know how she feels
  • It’s best when I say nothing at all

Fight Club

Nibbles reacts with Fight. When he can’t process his emotions and feelings, he raises his fists, frowns and growls, and starts hopping about like a boxer trying to pick a fight. The other day as he raised his fists, he said “Do ya wanna piece of me? Do ya?“

What do I do?

  • I can’t walk away, for that makes him angrier – he will drag on my clothes and up the fighting ante to keep me in the ring with him
  • If I talk to him, most things will anger him even more
  • He hates if I try to be playful (“Stop laughing at me!!“)

It used to be that Nibbles’ rages were few and far between, but they’ve been steadily increasing in the last eight months. Last summer (on my birthday!) he spiralled into a massive rage, surprising the heck out of my husband, who’d never experienced a full-blown rageathon before. Let’s just say neither of us handled that day very well.

Regulation in a Fight

Here’s what we are trying at the moment:

  1. Breathing deeply and staying super calm (blank or concerned facial expressions)
  2. Staying near, but out of arm’s length
  3. Reflecting his own experience in firm, clear words (similar to the tone and pace of his goading) “You must be really cross right now.”

Sometimes using the Theraplay paper-punching game helps him calm. Sometimes asking him to push against our hands with his, to use some of the rage in a more physical manner, works.

Sometimes he needs to get control of a situation, as his rage is often sparked by being told to do something. Clearly, since he is flushed with adrenalin, all choices need to be simple and limited (this OR that). For instance, when he stormed off as we walked to the shops, I sat on the pavement and calmly gave him a “Go Now and get something from the bakery for lunch, or Go Later and the bakery will be shut” choice. Within seconds he had calmed and chosen to Go Now.

But we haven’t got it right all the time yet, so this is definitely still a work in progress.

Becoming An Expert

Mostly what we have discovered is that what works with one child, doesn’t work for the other and what works on one day, backfires spectacularly on the next.

We are learning as we go, refining our approach, licking our wounds when we get it wrong, discussing, debating, reading books (like Sarah Naish’s A to Z) and trying to navigate through the fight and flight world of our children.

Let me know if you have any top tips to shortcut the process….

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High-Energy Breathing Games for Regulation

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I’ve read that you can calm an agitated nervous system with an out-breath that’s twice as long as your in-breath.

That sounds simple enough. But is it?

A slower breath can help our children (and adults when our buttons gets pressed) to regulate, or stay in control.

(Read my blog on Regulation for more information about emotional states.)

Much of the time, I keep at least one eye/ ear on my kids, watching and listening for clues as to their emotional state. Sometimes they tip from regulated to hyperarousal in an instant, but other times it builds more gradually (via dysregulation – read my blog on Regulation for more information about emotional states.)

When it builds slowly, I have an opportunity to help them practice de-escalating their emotional state, to learn how to bring themselves down into their window of tolerance and avoid hyperarousal.

Since breathing is so simple and important, surely that is a winning approach?

And Breathe…

Well yes and no. I have tried (and failed) many times to use low-energy breathing exercises (e.g. suggesting they breath deeply to a rhythm I am clapping) to regulate their state.

The issues is the disconnect between their energy levels and what I am suggesting they do. When a child is on the giddy-excitable energy level, asking them to butterfly breaths doesn’t actually work.

  • They don’t want to calm down – they are enjoying being giddy
  • The step from giddy to calm is too steep to take in a single leap
  • Worse still, it can aggravate a situation through a lack of empathy (“you are spoiling our fun!”)

So instead, I use high-energy breathing games. Games that include the giddy-factor as it were. Here’s a list that the good people of twitter and I have created to give you lots of different ideas and stave off the “not again!” and “boring” responses.

Go Anywhere Games

These are games that can be done anywhere (although excessively loud roaring in confined spaces like cars and public toilets is not recommended):

  • The SHHH!! Game – see who can do the longest shhhhhhhhh without taking a breath (create a story about A Sleeping Lion or Creeping past a napping Grandma to get biscuits, or being a Ninja Stealing the Crown Jewels to make it fun)
  • The Opera Game – tell the story of a note that can break a glass and then ask everyone to practice with a long note at any pitch or volume
  • The Zoo Story – ask the kids to play the part of animals in a short story about the jungle. The animals need long and loud noises (roaring lions, trumpeting elephants, hissing snakes) with/without actions to match their energy levels and age
  • The Hot Chocolate Game – ask the children to describe their favourite hot drink (or soup), then create an imaginary tea party. Breathe in the smell (in long slow inhales)? Blow on the soup or chocolate to cool it (long slow breaths as it is very very hot). Take a long slow sip that makes the best / most disgusting sucking noise
  • The Lion Taming Game – the child plays the roaring lion; you time how long they roar (again a non-stop roar works best) and give them an inventive Lion Name based on how long they roar (Everlasting Roar of Africa, Supersonically Loudest King of the Jungle etc)
  • Dragon’s Breath – each person does the best fire-breathing dragon impression and you see how big a cloud of smoke they can create (best outside in cold winter months)
  • Blow Me Over – you can use the 3 Little Pigs as inspiration, or just ask them to blow your fringe out of your eyes/ blow so hard you have to close your eyes/ blow you over (lots of pretending being blown over and laughing to maximise playfulness)

You can also use any version of humming, singing, roaring, whistling and shouting to encourage children to create long out-breaths and hence calm their nervous system.

Games With Straws

Straws (reusable are most eco-friendly) are excellent blowing and sucking props – you can even buy foldable metal straws that fit in your pocket.

  • Blowing bubbles in a small amount of milk – getting the bubbles to the top of the glass (tall, wide glasses make this game last longer)
  • Blowing bubbles in a washing up bowl with washing-up liquid in it (only if the child is unlikely to suck it up)
  • Sucking thick milkshake through a straw or using “flavour straws” with milk
  • Blowing paint pictures (see photo above) – mix paint with water (thick card words best) and blow it to make fireworks, or splodges or alien pictures (add googly eyes for spectacular aliens, glitter for fireworks)
  • Assault Courses – using a mix of blowing and sucking to move lightweight items (see list below) around a mix of tunnels and walls. Sucking can be tricky with youngster (<5 YO) so test them out first to avoid making it too hard. Can be as simple as moving ten Maltesters from one plate to another by sucking them onto the straw and lifting them over with the power of suction alone
  • Blowing lightweight items around a track – e.g. a mini-golf course made of Lego or wooden bricks, or through a wooden tube (toilet roll), or along the floor/ to one end of the table in a cotton-wool footie game

Games With Lightweight or Ball-Type Items

Cotton wool balls are lightweight and very easy to move by blowing (hence lots of pride-inducing success) that can form the basis of lots of games. You can also use feathers, Maltesers, round grapes, and Poppets (or other similar round edible items) for these games.

  • Table football using a piece of cotton, wool or masking tape to divide the table (you can only blow from your end of the table). Use one or more cotton wool balls (lots = highest energy, aim is to blow them all off)
  • Blow a cotton wool ball between you and child whilst lying on the floor (best on wooden floors without too much dust especially if one of you is asthmatic). This is a Theraplay Game that my kids love
  • Light as a Feather Game – keeping feathers in the air by blowing underneath them and seeing how long you can keep them up. Try with leaves or helicopter seeds outside
  • Mazes – building mazes from bricks, Lego, whatever you can find and then blowing cotton wool balls, feathers or similar around the maze (with or without a straw)

Other Blowing/ Sucking Games

  • Musical instruments – harmonicas, kazoos, whistles, recorders etc work for long out-breaths
  • Inflating and releasing balloons is a huge favourite with my kids – chasing them around and then blowing them up gradually calms their arousal state
  • Blowing bubbles (preferably outdoors) and then chasing/ popping them helps when they are the ones blowing them
  • Bubble Gum – both the chewing action and the attempts to blow bubbles calms them down
  • Party Blowers – the ones that make a funny noise and unravel are great for long slow out-breaths
  • Lying down and placing a favourite teddy on your tummy. Then taking really big deep breaths to knock the teddy or dinosaur or Lego mini-figure off your tummy.

The next time you notice your child heading out of the regulation zone and towards hyperarousal, then why not try one of these high-energy breathing games?

Instead of clashing with their energy levels, you can exploit their enthusiasm and channel it into a game that will gradually lower their arousal and keep them in control.

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Regulation and Dysregulation

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A few years ago I neither knew the word dysregulation nor did I use it frequently when answering my husband’s ‘how was today?’ question.

Yet as I began to learn about adoption, trauma and what drives behaviour, these words crept into my vocabularly, helping me to express my experiences as a mum.

But it turns out that I was not entirely correct in the words I was using to express the behaviours of my children. I believed that regulation and dysregulation were an either/or situation:

  • My child is/ I am regulated – calm, happy in control
  • My child is/ I am dysregulated – out of control, angry, fearful, responding with fight or flight, shouting

Yet as I read in Helen Oakwater’s book “Want to Adopt?”, I learnt that there is more to learn about trauma and emotions than a simple on/off, regulated/dysregulated emotional state.

What Is Regulation?

Regulation (when people are operating within their own unique ‘Window of Tolerance’) is a state where a person is sufficiently in control of their emotions that they can make conscious decisions.

Whilst frequently associated with calmness, we can be excited and regulated, shouting and regulated, running and regulated, sad and regulated.

Dysregulation is a state of emotional agitation, which may be uncomfortable, but the person is still in control, as in they act and respond from their thinking brain.

Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal is a state beyond dysregulation, when the thinking brain is shut down and people respond with from their autonomic nervous system (or ANS) with typically a fight or flight reaction.

There is a similar hypoarousal state, where a child is physical numb and shut down, which some parents might experience (but not me).

This helpful diagram lays out the relationships between regulation, dysregulation and hyper/hypo arousal that you might like to print out for reference.

Hyperarousal (that I have erroneously called dysregulation in this blog) is where our automatic reactions of flight, fight, freeze and flop come into play. In this state, we are unable to think and able only to react in a very basic survival-based way.

When children are in hyperarousal, we use Bruce Perry’s approach, focussing first on regulation. Because until the children (or adult) is calm and regulated, their thinking brain is turned off. So there is zero point to reasoning with them, as they are simply unable to listen or process what you are saying. It’s like trying to light a fire by putting a match to a log, the sequence is all wrong. (See Regulate/ Relate and Reason.)

Whilst I have been using dysregulated in my blog and tweets, what my children were experiencing was actually hyperarousal. Thank you Helen for adding much needed depth and nuance to my understanding.

I hope this blog and description will help you understand some of what goes on in the emotional state of yourself (when you leave your window of tolerance) and the stages to look out for.

You might also find this article on windows of tolerance helpful: https://www.attachment-and-trauma-treatment-centre-for-healing.com/blogs/understanding-and-working-with-the-window-of-tolerance

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Adoption Myths: They Won’t Remember

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It is tempting to imagine that a child adopted at a young age will not remember the trauma or neglect they experienced. It’s something well-meaning friends and family might say to adopters when they are cradling a small child in their arms ‘They won’t remember’.

The idea is superficially true – young babies and toddlers will not consciously recall their experiences. They may never say “Mummy hit me” but that doesn’t mean to say that they are unaffected by their experiences.

A foetus will not remember the alcohol their mother drank, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t spend their whole lives trying to overcome the changes to their brain and body.

A Little Bit of Neglect

Is neglect worse than abuse? Is alcohol in the womb worse than violence once born? Are wounds that can be seen (treated, mended) worse than those that can’t?

Nearly all children adopted in the England are adopted from social care, having been removed from their birth family due to neglect and inadequate care.  We were told that during our preparation training by our adoption agency, so we knew that. But we also were painfully naive about the potential impact of that neglect on their brains, on their development, on their bodies, on their emotions.

Researchers have started to assess the impact of neglect using simple experiments. In this one, a parent deliberately ignores (neglects) their child for a short period. Note that:

  • The child is safe
  • The child has an adult in close proximity

This research, devised by Dr Edward Tronick powerfully demonstrates just how vital eye contact, engagement, play and responsiveness is to a baby as young as one.

“The results are almost immediate and they are devastating. The baby looks to the dad and tries to get the dad back into those games… the baby starts to get frustrated… within three minutes the baby has really dissolved“

The Impact on a Child

By being grounded with a parent, who provides a sense of safety and helps her keep an even (emotional) keel, the researcher Dr Richard Cohen goes on to say that the baby can:

  • explore the world
  • meet new people
  • try new things

All because the baby has that safebase to rely on. Dr Cohen goes on to say:

“We can only begin to imagine what it’s like for babies whose life is like … all of the time – and they don’t get that responsiveness, they don’t get any help getting back to an even keel”

The long term impact can be that the child:

  • has trouble trusting people
  • has trouble relating to people
  • has trouble being calm enough so that they can explore the world

Our Adopted Children DO Remember

Our children cannot tell us what they experienced in their lives with their birth family – and we don’t have all the information either.

Yet we have seen how they can struggle with trust, with relationships, with staying calm or on an even emotional keel (all the things the researcher quotes above). As they grow older, these first experiences seem to have an even greater ripple effect on their social interactions and school life.

Bubbles’ stress-response (amygdala) is super sensitive and often hijacks her brain with a fight or flight response to what is an apparently trivial event. Such that the festive season becomes a tightrope of stress, overwhelm and more (see Festive Fear For All The Family).

Babies Are…

As Dr Cohen says at the start of this video, babies are much more capable than imagined – capable of instigating play, of encouraging their carer to interact with them and respond to them.

But they’re also much more vulnerable.

The next time someone tells you that child adopted at a young age won’t remember, why not show them this video and blog?Facebooktwitter