Category Archives: ATTW4 book

ATTW4 stands for “and then there were four” a book about infertility, the adoption process, panel, matching, introductions and the first year in our life as an adopted family. Due to be released in May 2017 near our fourth anniversary of being a family.

Parenting Part 1 – Creeping Out Of The Lion’s Den

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After an hour of mind-numbing, pinkie-numbing waiting, your little baby or toddler or teenager is finally in the land of nod.  Just one thing left to do before you open the wine and watch TV that needs a PIN number …

Our guide to lion-taming continues with a step-by-step guide on how to escape without being heard.

Step 1 – Do Not Wake the Lion

Shhhhhh.

Do not even breathe.

Listen instead.

Listen with every single hair on your skin – the hairs that are now standing on end, straining to catch a sign that the lion is awake.

I focus on the vertical strip of light from the door and listen intently.

I have sat in his room for twenty-seven minutes, gently hushing him until he pretended to sleep for long enough to actually fall asleep.  But Nibbles is a canny one and given how tired I am, he might not fall asleep before I do.

Just the other day I crept into his room to find him grasping onto Andy’s finger through the bars of his crib, whilst Andy snored softly on the floor beside him.

Step 2 – Be Certain The Lion Sleeps Tonight

I think he is asleep.  It’s hard to tell because Nibbles sleeps so soundlessly (unlike his snoring beauty of a sister).  As he falls asleep he wriggles a little and sometimes his legs twitch involuntarily until he goes still and so soundless, sometimes I worry he is no longer breathing.

His sister is definitely asleep – I can hear her gentle whistling through the walls.

Nibbles has ceased to make any movements or obvious noise, which does not categorically indicate that he is asleep, for I have fallen for that assumption many times, only to discover as I ease the door shut that he is far from asleep and I have to start the whole process over again.

Step 3 – Stay Very Very Still

I sit with my back against his cold radiator, wondering why on earth we don’t have a nice comfy armchair in his room for this nocturnal waiting game, and also knowing that if I was more comfortable that I would fall hopelessly and deeply asleep.  Potentially waking him with my nonsense mumbling.

I wait a few more minutes (probably ten or more), just in case, until I am nigh on certain that he must either be getting much better at pretending to be asleep, or is actually in the land of nod.

I want to sigh with relief.  I want to cheer at winning this game, but I dare not make a noise, because for the life of me I do not want to start again.

Step 4- Ready?

I ease my aching limbs and back from my sitting position onto my hands and knees.  Not that fast though.  It takes several minutes to sit upright, then tip a little, then manoevure one buttock off the floor, then twist slightly to adjust my weight distribution, then lift the other (and so on).  No I won’t describe it in real time, as you will leave and read another blog instead.

Uh oh.  A creak.

Not just my joints (my knees are the worst) but the floorboards in this old house.  Why do we live in a wonderful Victorian house that is a minefield of creakiness?

I wait silently in each new position, listening for a sound or murmur or rustle of his sheets that might indicate that he has woken or was never really asleep.

….

Nothing.  Not a sound.

So far, so good.

Step 5 – Set? Slow…

I am now in a hands-and-knees snail-speed escape position for a turbo exit.

I ease my right knee forward in delicate synchronisation with my right hand.  A ballet in super slow-mo.  I hover in this position, then gently, oh so gently slide them onto the floor, tensing in case of another groan from the floorboards.

After every movement I wait a little, straining to catch a sign that I have blown my stealthy parent-ninja exit.

There’s only a few metres to the door, yet those eight or nine movements take what seems like a lifetime to complete.  I get to the door – knowing that I have completed stage one and have three more ahead of me.

Step 6 – Open the Cage

Today, I nudge the door open with my nose.  Wondering if the increasing light that now illuminates his room will jolt him out of a light slumber.

I wait.  Listen.  Nothing so far – half way there.

I ease myself through, still on my hands and knees, going at a fair lick in comparison (although no Olympian’s record is in danger) and once I am wholly out of his room in the hallway, I allow myself to stand up.  I stretch and turn back to the door.

One more thing to do.

Step 7 – Close the Cage

My hand moves to the door handle and I slowly pull the door to, watching as the light in his room dims to near darkness.

The handle is firmly down (I am not making that mistake again, as I once ruined the entire ballet with a hasty door slam) and close it with barely a whisper.  The finale is seconds away, I slowly and carefully release the door handle until the door is firmly shut.

Step 8 – Make Your Escape

I do not, despite the impatient urge within me, now run or even walk at normal pace away.  For he can still wake up and then I have to return to lion watching.

I creep.  I gently slide across our blessed carpet, listening every few steps for the slightest sign that my presence is detected.

It is only as my hand alights on the top of the stair bannister that you would hear me breathe again.  Cautiously I come downstairs, and I allow myself a sly smile of self-congratulations.

For tonight I got one over on the lion.

Long may the lion sleep tonight.

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The Day I Met My Children

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What if they don’t like me?

We’re sat in the parked car, fidgeting, having arrived ridiculously early for this Important Day. It’s 915 a.m. and we have a vast expanse of forty-five minutes to kill. So. Much. Time. Today we get to meet our children for the first time. And I’m bricking it.

My stomach can’t decide if the sharks or the butterflies are winning. I can’t sit here fidgeting for that long, but what else can we do? Why not go for a drive? I suggest What if we get lost? And my brain decides to catastrophise — what if we drive off the edge of the known universe into a not-on-the-map black hole from which even a GPS signal and Google Maps cannot rescue us?

What if we’re late?

We drive just a few streets away. We sit. And fidget. And check our phones. And post on social media. And wait. Out of sight. We get out of the car and go for one of the most bland, pointless walks ever. Well, not entirely pointless, because there are now ten fewer minutes to burn.

Today we will meet our children

Our children. They don’t feel like our children at all. They aren’t really our children, except they are, but then they’re wards of the adoption agency, so they’re not, but we’ll be looking after them, so they are, and it’s all quite confusing.

I can’t stop thinking about the moment we’ll see them for the first time.

  • What if all my dreams and hopes come crashing down around me and I think, ‘I can’t do this?’
  • What if they’re crying and whining and awful?
  • What if they ignore us?
  • What if they don’t like us?
  • What if they run and scream and hide and refuse to come out?
  • What if they hate us?
  • Worse still, what if they like him and not me?

I have no idea what to expect

It’s now 10 a.m. (turns out you can kill time — just worry incessantly) and we drive up to the house. Their foster carer Ken opens the door and welcomes us in with a twinkling smile.

‘Take a seat in the lounge. I think they’ve something planned,’ he says.

That sounds promising or ominous or something (the sharks and butterflies cannot agree). My heart is pounding, my mouth is dry. I perch nervously on the edge of the sofa, waiting for I don’t know what; I’m a child waiting outside the headmaster’s door.

The lounge door opens and in tumbles a huge bunch of flowers — a pink riot of colour and petals and leaves that’s moving all of its own accord. Then I spy her. Beneath this colossal display, wobbling in her efforts to hold it, is a tiny girl with cascades of curls. The flowers drown her, yet she bravely carries them straight to me. She shyly hands them over and in her sing-song voice says four incredible words that I will never forget:

‘Flowers for my mummy’

She looks at me, and I break out a smile before my hand flies to my mouth in shock and surprise. A lifetime of tears well up in my eyes, and despite my promise that I would not cry, tears pour silently down my cheeks. It’s far from the first impression I wanted to make.

Happy tears

  • A tear for all the times that I went to bed despondent.
  • A tear for all the times that my period came and I lost faith I’d ever be a mummy.
  • A tear for all the times I wondered why I couldn’t grow a child.
  • A tear for a child who never made it past the few cells.
  • And a tear of utter relief that a child has finally said that word to me.

The word I have wanted to hear and thought I might never hear. The word I do not own despite all the preparation.

Mummy

The most amazing word in the whole dictionary. I thought it would take weeks or months for them to utter it, and it was the fourth word she said. Even better, she used ‘my’ before it, binding me to her in a relationship. I feel complete in a whole new way. I stutter a broken ‘thank you’, but she’s already gone.

She and her brother follow Ken back to the kitchen, where he’s making tea.

Andy sits on the floor, and when they return, these two tiny children are crawling all over him, hugging him and talking to him, tugging at his shirt, smearing dirty fingerprints over his glasses, asking questions but not waiting for the answers, bringing him books to read and toys to play with. I sit back, dabbing my tears and drinking everything in. They take to Andy like pandas to bamboo, and I feel that his idea of sitting on the floor was far better than my bursting into tears.

I dry my face and take a deep breath: we have fifty-seven minutes left to start getting to know these miniature people who are our little boy and little girl.

Our children.

I still can’t believe it

This is an extract from the book “and then there were four” available via Amazon in ebook (Kindle) and paperback versions. It’s an unputdownable, unforgettable rollercoaster through infertility, adoption and parenting.

What happened the day you met you children?  Share your experiences below.

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Would You Read It?

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These words are for the back cover of my book – but would they entice you to read it?

“Now married, we threw caution and condoms to the wind – not literally, that’d be littering – expecting the magic baby to appear.  You know, the one that rocks up the first time you have unprotected sex, carried by the optimism stork. We were excited and waited, patiently…

Then impatiently…

Later somewhat forlornly…

We tried pillows and pee sticks, fertility experts and dousing (we didn’t), then arrived in the Land of Adoption.  After years of going nowhere, two toddlers made us four practically overnight and we had to pedal faster than Bradley Wiggins to catch up.

And Then There Were Four is an unforgettable, unputdownable rollercoaster through the hilarious highs and pass-the-gin-now-the-tissues lows of infertility, adoption and parenting.

“One of the most beautiful love stories I’ve ever read. Emma dumps you right into her emotional experience, yet writes with such lightness as to keep your spirits up. This book is like your favourite pastime; time flies by unnoticed because you are so engrossed by the story. Delightful. Heart-filled.”  Pam Burrows

“The bittersweet ambiance of this book grabs you very, very quickly: it’s hard not to get caught up in the moment, in the flow, in the too-painful-to-bear beauty of it. It’s written from the heart, raw and chatty . . . and what a heart!”  Simon Raybould

“This book will strike a chord with any parent. It’s utterly compelling, witty and beautiful, achingly sad, and packed full of love.”  Sarah Fox

“That’s not how I remember it.” Andy Sutton (husband)”

If you read these words on the back of a book, as you rifled through the bestsellers in a bookshop or on Amazon, would you want to read more?

These are the umpty-eighth draft of the back cover of my book “and then there were four” and I would love to know what you think of them…

Did it grab you?  Make you laugh?  Give you a hint of the stories within?

Let me know in the comments section below…

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‘And Then There Were Four’ Comes To Life

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Her email came through on Saturday evening and as I went to bed, I noticed it in my inbox on my phone.  I saw the title and glanced away, scared.

What If I Hated It?

As much as I knew these were just the first versions and that everything could be changed, I wanted to love them so much it hurt.  I dare not open the email because one glance could shock me, creasing my forehead into deep canyons no botox could smooth out, leaving me muttering furiously under my breath, lying awake windmilling, wondering how things could have gone so wrong.  I wasn’t prepared to be hashtag gutted at this time of night.

What If I Loved It?

Yet what if the opposite was true?  I was optimistic – I knew she did great work, the reviews on her website were fabulous and I’d been pretty clear (I thought) about what I liked or did not like for my book cover.  Yet even tending on hopeful, I could not open the email.  For if I fell in love, then the rush of feelgood hormones would keep me awake all night, sharing it madly on every social media outlet known to woman, whilst silently wanting to poke the world awake so they could congratulate me at 1am on Sunday morning.

I Slept On It

And in the morning, once my brain was awake (about an hour after the kids had poked me awake, too early again), I opened the email and stole a glance at the three versions Tanja had created.

Oh.

There it was.  My book.  With my name on it.  I could almost reach out and pick it up (how I wanted to pick it up, to feel its weight, to fondle the cover, to stroke the words, to flick through the creamy yellow pages, to see my words in all their 3D brilliance).

And I knew then that everything was going to be okay.  Not just okay, but brilliant.

Even these first versions had my heart pounding and spread a grin over my face that took hours to wear off (well, until the kids started squealing and fighting).  One step closer to my book.

 

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Chapter One: Spies Like Us

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WE ARE ON A STAKEOUT

Ways in which this is like a stakeout:

1) We are two grown adults sitting in the front of this car, staring into space.
2) We are going out of our minds with the monotony of it.

Cop shows know what the viewer wants — pace, action, adventure. Not soul-sucking tedium. Which is why you only see a stakeout seconds before something interesting happens. Yet we have 23 more minutes of this; not exactly addictive viewing. We check our phones, sigh and wriggle. Many times.

Ways in which this is not like a stakeout:

1) There is no fast food in the car — not a burger, doughnut, coffee or soda in sight. To be honest, my stomach is wound so tight I couldn’t eat a single thing without barfing.
2) We can’t actually see the house we are ‘staking out.’ You might think it’s a rookie error, but it is a crucial part of the plan.
3) In the back of the car are two child seats. You don’t get that much in cop shows.

Reviewing these facts, it would be safe to say that this is nothing like a stakeout. Although it is rather cloak-and-dagger; we’re hiding out of sight until the designated time. Perhaps it’s more like a cold war spy exchange, although we have forgotten to pack a spy to give them in return. Who am I kidding? We are two adults waiting 23 minutes for something momentous to happen.

Handover is at 10am on the dot

And we have arrived somewhat early. (I say ‘somewhat’, my husband prefers ‘ridiculously’ and, as my fingers yearn to drum impatiently on the dashboard, ‘ridiculously’ seems to fit the bill). I like to be early, whereas my husband is more of an on-time (his words) or cutting it superfine if not late (my words) kind of guy. But Today is not a day to cut it fine.
The silence between us is intense. Not in the flammable way that you get between two people spoiling for a fight, when the air crackles with tension that a match would ignite. No, it’s intense because of the emotions that seep out of our rigid bodies. Powerful, extreme emotions that arise from the overwhelming importance of Today.

A day we will never forget

I feel so many conflicting things that I don’t know where to start, or what to say, or even if I dare say anything at all in case I break the magic spell we are under. I am giddy, excited, nervous, scared and more. Mostly I think I should be ready, after all the preparation we have done and courses we have attended. But I am not.
I am not ready.

I can’t silence a mantra that fills me with dread . . .
‘What have we done?’ (For of course, in blame, we stand together.)

After what seems like forever our social worker arrives.  And such is our tedium that the arrival of another car is something worth remarking upon. This simple change in our environment releases us for a few minutes from the endless checking of our phones, which we justify to ourselves in case 10am suddenly sneaks up and surprises us.

She parks near us, but not too close and walks over. I wind down my window and she leans in. The not-stakeout just got marginally more interesting again. She goes over The Plan again: The Plan we have heard and agreed to several times during multiple meetings already. I feel like the stupid kids being told how to line up for assembly for the umpteenth time.

No, we won’t go in.
Yes, we will act normal.
Yes, we will stick to The Plan, we intone in robotic response.

Because there is no way we are blowing this, not when we have come so far, invested so much already. It’s just another (insert adjective) hoop to jump through. Yet we both know that nothing about this day is normal. We normally go in. We normally say hello. We normally have a cuppa. I normally don’t feel this strange, this freaked out. Today my stomach churns with queasiness, my knees wobble, my plastered-on smile is strained and fake. So we nod our heads and promise to act normal even though The Plan is as far from normal as it could possibly be. And we return to limbo and wait some more.

As 10 o’clock approaches, my already intense emotions shift into overdrive. I wrestle them down, leaving a suitably stiff upper lip and all that emotionally restrained balderdash because my alternative is to be a blubbering wreck. I need something to distract me. So I thumb onto Facebook ‘just four minutes to go, eep.’ I post and run. I dare not wait for responses or read the messages of support, for my façade will crumble at the slightest nudge.

The clock finally changes from 09:59 to 10:00

For twenty-some minutes we’ve been stuck in time that won’t move forward. But now it has. Hundreds of seconds have crawled by and we are finally at the finishing line. This is all so strange I am having an out-of-body experience.

A shiver of blessed relief courses through my body as we coast our car down the hill and onto the drive. We get out of the car and the doors clunk closed in synchronisation. We try to act normal.

The front door swings open

There are no words today (weird), just strained smiles. We focus on the children and gently take them into our arms, on the doorstep (weird). Neither in nor out of their house, it’s a spy-like handover in neutral territory. I catch the adults’ eyes, and shy away. I focus on my little girl (for calling her my daughter makes me feel like a fraud) and carry her to our car without a backwards glance. We strap them in, chatting about the fun we are going to have at the play gym today. They seem happy, excited.
I can breathe again.

The deed is done

I want to drive out of here as fast as possible. To leave behind the tension and the anguish and the strangeness of this experience.
‘Ready?’ asks my husband as he revs the engine. Everyone’s strapped in and yes is on the top of my teeth and it stops at my molars. Suddenly I jolt alert. My spidey senses are tingling: something is wrong. What can it be? What have we forgotten?
‘STOP!’ I yell, as my brain solves the conundrum.
‘Where are Nibbles and Bubbles?’ I ask.

The engine fades…

We search frantically under car seats and then I get out, dash to the back of the car and rifle through the bags of their overnight kit in the boot. I swear silently and profusely as the realisation hits: they are not here, and if they are not here, they have to be in the house. Back in the house. The Plan didn’t plan for this.

Nibbles and Bubbles are cuddly toys: a rabbit and a dog.

But saying they are just toys is like saying today is just Thursday

They are the first things we ever gave to our children, fluffy vehicles of hope and love and expectation and joy, and they are saturated with an emotional element that elevates them to the status of Gods. My husband and I spent hours searching for the perfect toys; two different but equally loveable softness-incarnate. I slept with them next to my skin for a week, so our children would recognise our scent when they finally met us. Our daughter has not let go of Nibbles and loves her obsessively: we can’t leave without them.

My husband offers to go and I shrug him off in my frustration, a choice I would later regret. I storm quickly back to the house, deviating dangerously from The Plan and silently fuming that today of all days, we get this wrong. I stride in the front door and come face to face with things I was never meant to see.

‘Where are Nibbles and Bubbles?’ I demand abruptly, as I enter the front room. Ken turns away, wipes his face with his hand and starts to look for the toys, but I have already seen too much.

There is devastation here

As quick as my lighthouse glance was, it was too slow not to see Mary, crumpled against the wall, sobbing relentlessly, her knees buckled with the weight of this separation. Her grief, just beneath the surface these past few weeks, broke the moment that door closed.

We are not rescuing these children – they were rescued nearly a year ago.

We are ripping them from a family that loves them deeply. A family who held them when they knew not how to be held and went rigid with fear. A family who nurtured them through sleepless nights, panic, pain and tantrums. A family who cherished them as they blossomed and taught them how to love and be loved.

Mary made us promise that one day she would see the children again. We didn’t know if we could, but she made us agree, even if we were lying, she said, because she couldn’t bear to think that this was the end. So we made the pact anyway, believing it was null and void before it even left our mouths, in a vain attempt to lighten her grief and assuage our guilt.

I finally find both toys and dash out, unable and unwilling to say or do anything to help. For we are the cause of their grief. Our gain is their loss. In every way this is a happy day for us, it is a sad day for them.

I pout childishly

Annoyed that my special day has been tainted.
I slam their door behind me and I run back to the car, away from scenes I would rather forget. I hold the toys aloft, triumphantly, feeling anything but. Then my little girl sees her bunny and delight spreads across her face like a sunrise on a glorious morning — an expression of sheer joy. She grabs her bunny and hugs him to suffocation.
I’ve saved the day. Yay for me.

I don’t feel like celebrating. My husband drives off and asks if I am okay, although I suspect he knows the answer already. I stare out of the window and mumble ‘not really’. I am filled with a sorrow that I did not invite to this party. My perfect day has soured. I want to forget the image of grief that haunts me, but it is etched forever in my mind.

I shake my head and focus on the future, turning to marvel at the sheer cuteness of our new additions. Tiny perfect humans. One mass of curls with a bunny on her lap and one mischievous boy sit behind me. A girl who reminds us constantly of who we have become:

‘You’re my mummy, you’re my mummy, you’re my mummy’

Today we take these children home.
Tonight they will sleep (or not) in the beds that have been waiting for their arrival for months, in our house. Their family of two joins our family of two and we become four. It feels like we have reached the end at last.  The end of our long journey to become parents.

and then there were four

THE END

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