Category Archives: Parenting

This is the stuff about being a family that is not necessarily specific to adoptive families – it’s just the strange and weird world we found ourselves in as a family.

How To Make Road Trips With Kids Fun

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Google maps tells me the trip to Devon takes five hours. HA! Never in a month of traffic jams. Sixteen trips tells me that five hours is hopelessly optimistic regardless of how fast we drive on the clear sections of the motorway. Nine hours is far more likely.

That’s a long time for anyone, nevermind two restless children to cope with. Now I’ve never created a nine sing-along of joy and happiness, but I’ve also stopped short of frisbee-ing a certain Nursery Rhymes CD out of the car window too (five CDs of rhymes and they only wanted the twenty seconds of humpty dumpty on endless repeat!). I have however learnt a few things to make the time pass more amicably and happily.

Break It Up

Roughly divide the time into chunks – never more than an hour, more like thirty minutes by the ninth hour of the trip. Those chunks might then be one of the following:

  • Radio or music (sometimes adults’ choice, sometimes the kids’ favourite tracks or a movie soundtrack)
  • Audio books (from Roahl Dahl, David Walliams, The Giggler Treatment, Groosham Grange)
  • Tablet time – either games or movies we’ve downloaded in advance (and tested that they work without WIFI!)
  • Drawing or reading (whilst the adults chat)

In between these big chunks, are puzzles, prizes and snacks.

Puzzles Win Prizes

I print out a range of eye-spy or car-trip-related puzzles for both the outgoing and return journeys. Searching “road trip printables” online will generate plenty of options – just beware the American versions that have the kids pulling their hair out trying to find cars that don’t exist in the UK (like Buick or Acura)

The favourite ones for our kids are eye-spy bingo types (plenty of versions from car colours, brands, road signs, things to spot in the air), word searches, a traffic jam game where you move forward based on finding cars you coloured in earlier. You might also have travel games such as battleships or scrabble or fishing games to suit (there are some cool little games-in-a-tin you can make).

These might only last five to ten minutes before the kids get bored (and blatantly cheat just to finish the game, which is fine). They provide a bit more variety and we award prizes every time to every child.

Prizes? Surprises!

When they complete the puzzle (or quit), I pass over a wrapped present for each child. I tend to buy six to eight presents per child per trip (about one an hour).

One of the first ones will be chewing gum (for regulation) and then a sticker book, colouring book and pens. That gives them things to do as well as something to chew. The rests will be anything from a packet of raisins to sweets, a mini figure or a puzzle. The surprise and the unwrapping both create a frisson of joy to break up the journey.

Snacks Snack and More Snacks

I am hungry!

This is my kids favourite refrain on a car journey. Yes I know they are mostly bored, but sometimes it’s just easier to give them a few grapes. Providing the snacks are healthy, not too sticky, don’t shred into tiny bits that stick to the car seats, then a few treats to break up the journey isn’t going to hurt. Snacks like:

  • Grapes – providing the child is old enough not to choke
  • Carrot sticks/ cucumber/ cherry tomatoes (the latter tend to explode)
  • Oat cakes or other high fibre crackers
  • Dried apricots (less sticky than prunes, less sweet than dates)
  • Brazil nuts (seeds tend to get dropped and lost)
  • Dry cereal

And however many snacks the kids have consumed, it won’t stop them wanting meals – we tend to pack two picnics with plenty of variety and more than enough food to eat. But where to stop?

Choose Your Pit Stops

There are service stations that are endless concrete, no outside space and dingy loos, and there are ones with play parks, views, grass, walks, ponds and a farm shop. On a trip to Devon, where we know it will take around eight to nine hours, we will have two long (hour) breaks to break up the travel, get fresh air, stretch our legs, runaround, eat a meal and so on.

The kids need to run and jump and play and chase and more. So pick the sort of pit stops that will make your breaks more fun (Tebay at Westmorland, Gloucester Services are both fabulous).

It Never Goes To Plan

Sometimes I drive, just to hand over the “in-car entertainment” reins to my husband, who hasn’t a clue what I have planned or how to run the games. So that works brilliantly.

The key is to keep your cool and have a sense of humour about it all. Things won’t go to plan, they never do. Someone will need a loo break seconds after you pull back onto the motorway (probably my husband!). Someone may have a sulk because their favourite game will not work without WIFI and they won’t play anything else. There will be arguments about which audiobook to listen to, or which playlist. But that’s all okay.

That’s when you secret back-up piece of chocolate or extra present come in handy. Or you just wind the window down and scream at the scenery.

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How To Stay Sane #Lockdown 1

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Home schooling. Working from home. Managing change in a hugely uncertain time with no end in sight. Not the easiest To Do list for anyone, but as a parent, particularly of traumatised children, it is rock hard with screams on.

Your To Do list starts with YOU. No really. It does.

Your #1 priority is to keep yourself sane. Because if you crumble, if your tank is empty, then there’s nothing left to hold your family together. So here are just a few ways that might just help you stay the right side of crazy (a little bit bonkers but not full on coocoo).

News? Shut UP!

It is a time of huge change for the entire world and it’s easy to feel we need to keep in touch with the spread and impact of this global pandemic. Yes and No. Once or twice a day is enough, not 24/7. Mute the news and Boris.

Slack Cutting 101

Feeling the pressure to recreate school at home? Stop. Stop expecting the impossible from yourself, just because the media believe that you can – and should – do it all. Therein lies the kind of stress what will give you diabetes and cirrhosis once this is all over.

We’ve tried everything (no schedule, all schedule, incentives) and to be honest, some days the kids (one or both) are willing to learn, some days inviting them to breakfast in a sing-song voice turns them into spinning, spitting children from the Exorcist.

Cut yourself some slack. A bit more. LOTS more.

Make your life easy by reducing your job to the bare minimum: keeping yourself and your family as safe as possible given the circumstances.

Completing tasks set by school is optional. Baking is optional. Happiness is desirable but often out of your (sole) control. Staying sane is essential, which brings us onto giggling…

The Antidote to Lockdown

Laughter is the antidote to stress, so not just welcome as a distraction, but it also strengthens our immune system. You’re welcome. As a doctor (not a medical one), I prescribe a minimum of one daily dose of piss-your-pants comedy to get you through this weirdness.

Here are my sanity-saving favourites:

  1. The Sh*g, Married, Annoyed Podcast with Chris and Rosie Ramsey is my Go To listen when it’s gone tits up (headphones very much required). Hilarious and light-hearted, it has sixty-plus episodes in its back catalogue but I love the lockdown ones best.
  2. Comedy Series such as Community and Brooklyn Nine-Nine (both Netflix) or our new favourite ‘Breeders’ (Sky or NOW TV). It’s like Outnumbered, but post watershed. Piss funny and all about the struggle of parenting. Lots of swearing.
  3. Phoning a friend (FaceTime, if Andy isn’t hogging the wifi for work – how very dare he?). Share the misery and laugh about just how forking hard this all is. How it sucks. How many times you’ve cried or lost the plot today. Even when we’re clinging onto sanity with our fingertips, surfing a sh*tstorm of negative experiences, it’s rare that I hang up without feeling lighter and happier than before.

Stream It

Thank God the internet is okay.

Adult time in the evening has become essential as an antidote to the daily struggle. We’ve even instigated weekly Friday date-nights: the kids read to themselves (read: bounce on the beds) and wine o’clock starts at 7.30pm so we can watch a movie in one sitting (luxury!)

We’ve got into the habit of streaming the National Theatre Live events, starting with One Man, Two Guvnors (hilarious slapstick), as well as the jaw-dropping Frankenstein (incredible and mesmerising). But sometimes we haven’t the energy or concentration to wade through three hours of Shakespeare and need something suited to lockdown brain. Like the fabulous Richard Curtis film ‘Yesterday’. Lovely, sweet, touching escapism. Just what the doctor ordered.

This Too Shall Pass

Times are tough. But one day lockdown and the threat of Covid-19 will end and something akin to normality (distant cousin perhaps) will return. Hang in there. You can do this.

Look after yourself, because YOU matter more than you know.

Hit Me Up

With another weekend looming, hit me up with your favourite funny or touching films/ podcasts/ and tips for getting through this with a small sliver of sanity intact…

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Girl reading and colouring in den

How to Navigate Transitionitis

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July is a rock hard month. Every year. The end-of-term routines are chaotic, unpredictable and with all the changes ahead, children often feel adrift. They are overwhelmed and dysregulate at levels unprecedented in the other eleven months of the year. Whilst we haven’t found a magic wand, there are some things we focus on to help our children cope:

  • Things that minimise out-of-school overwhelm
  • Things that calm and soothe
  • Things that engage their bodies in sensory activities
  • Things that de-stress them

Here are a few ideas from me and my twitter friends:

Lean On Your Routines

Make home a haven of normality and routine

  • Say no to parties, trips, and out-of-the-ordinary events. Children are already coping with so much in school, they don’t need even more piled on top at home
  • Create a predictability at the weekend with a routine if you don’t already have one – a mix of sensory stuff, laughter, exercise and calm time

Calm and Soothe

  • Reading together – we’ve recently begun reading together before the school run (walk), as that provides a very calming environment, where we are sat or cuddled close together and sharing an activity
  • Chewing gum – that chewing action on school pick-up can really help them to cope. And research has even proven it. If you don’t like gum, then raw carrots or toffees or bagels are all chewy alternatives
  • Sucking on hard boiled sweets, lollipops, or on drinks through straws. Choose a thick (but not too thick) liquid like a thick milkshake as it both lasts longer and has a stronger sensory impact
  • Singing nursery rhymes or simple songs. Sure, you might be fed-up of Daddy Shark or the Narwhal song but your kids might just need that repetitive and funny song to centre them

Engage Their Senses

  • Bashing, sucking or melting their favourite Lego or plastic characters out of ice-cubes (with hot water pistols)
  • Digging for dinosaurs or unicorns that you have buried in the garden – with their hands or spoons
  • Water fights or paddling pools if the sun is shining
  • Baking together – with lots of tasting and testing and licking of bowls and spoons and then eating something delicious at the end of it all
  • Bouncing – trampolines and bouncy castles can be great at relieving stress and creating a rhythmic sensation
  • Games that include blowing are great for regulation as it helps control their breathing (long exhales are the key)

Chill – Maximum Downtime

  • Avoid homework or bringing school home in any way – its stressful enough without invading their home life as well
  • Relax, alot – movie nights, games, reading in their bedrooms, playing Lego together, painting, drawing – whatever is relaxing for them
  • Dens and small spaces are often heavenly for children who find the emotional and sensory overwhelm exhausting – even a small tent in the garden can be a real respite for them
  • Get outdoors – there is something inherently calming about big open spaces, nature, trees, beaches, sand, soil.

Let It Go

At this point in the school year, the focus in our house is on regulation. Keeping everything calm.

So I might help them dress, put their clothes away (rather than insisting they help), accept that one minutes’ teeth brushing is enough for today, pick up more of their stuff than normal. I also tend to back off insisting they contribute to household tasks – I tend to tidy a bit more, put their laundry away when they are at school.

This is not about creating a precedent or even letting them get away with it. It is about accepting that at this time their capacity is reduced, so I adjust my expectations to avoid tipping them into an amygdala hijack (or meltdown).

Some children need plenty of exercise and extra sleep. It is about knowing (and experimenting) with what works to help your young people to cope with a very tricky time of year.

In the end, it’s all about making everyone’s lives a little bit easier.

Just until term is over and we can all breathe again.

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End of Term Problems

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‘Time to turn off the television/ tablet‘ you say in your best sing-song voice.

‘Yes Mummy/ Daddy‘ your child replies gleefully as they turn it off and skip to you for a hug.

For many of us the above is a fictional account of what happens, because…

Change is a shock.

There are little changes like shutting down a tablet and big ones like the end of a school year – which is a layer upon layer of tricky stuff to cope with.

Problem 1: They Are Bone Tired

  1. By the end of the school year, my kids are tired. Exhausted. Ready for a break.
  2. Because they are running on empty, they are more prone to coughs, colds, tonsillitis and more.
  3. Whilst they need a break, the holidays are a freestyle period of spontaneity. However much we discuss our plans, they struggle to grasp that amount of information in advance, so feel insecure about what is coming next.
  4. Long light days make sleeping harder (even with blackout blinds and curtains).

That in itself is quite a lot to cope with. But there’s more.

Problem 2: Transitionitis

Of course, the end of one school year is much more than just the end of term. Because next year, after the summer holiday:

  • Their teacher and teaching assistant will change
  • Their classroom and peg and drawer will change
  • Who they sit next to and the classroom dynamics will change
  • What and how they learn will change

EVERYTHING will change

Problem 3: Routine Is Thrown Out Of The Window

Dear Teachers

Please note – for every “exciting” thing you put into your end of term timetable, some pupils find them very, very, very stressful. Your exciting event is my children’s panic, stress, nightmares, inability to sleep, relax, enjoy or learn.

An Exhausted Mum

The end of term brings a veritable cornucopia of anxiety-inducing events. From sports’ day, to discos, non-uniform days, outdoor events, residentials or trips, plus award ceremonies, end-of-term assemblies and prize-givings. And don’t get me started on last year’s surprise talent competition…

If you’ve rocked a sobbing child who’s too stressed to sleep for days before each of these “fun” events, you too might roll your eyes when school announces yet another end-of-term surprise. Colour me unconvinced that these special events are great for all children.

Solutions: What Our Children Need

When the future seems wobbly, children need routine

What schools can do:

  • Stick to the routine as much as possible, for as long as you can
  • Provide lots of warning and a clear timetable for these non-routine events to parents in advance (no surprises, please!)
  • Pick one day of the week as your Event Day and then keep the rest of the timetable intact
  • Consider how your exciting events impact on those children who crave certainty and predictability in order to feel safe and stay calm (and essentially able to learn)
  • Schedule events throughout the year, rather than cramming them all at the end of term
  • Focus on laughter and fun during transition events to help kids relax
  • Create a comprehensive and gradual transition plan – starting the week after spring half-term and building gradually

When faced with change, with uncertainty ahead, with transition, many children need routine and predictability to help them feel calm, not spontaneity and excitement.

Ask yourself as a school what you can do to reduce not increase anxiety.

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Tummy Time

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After all the interest in my blog “Neglect at their Core“, I thought I’d write a blog specifically on Tummy Time – because not just any “lying on their tummy” time will do. The technique is important, so here is some specific advice to help you and your child develop their core neck and shoulder strength.

Make It Fun, Make It Often

  1. Build It In. If you can, create a regular routine to Tummy Time. We use TV time during the bedtime routine so it becomes just a natural part of what they do. Two months in and I still need to remind them, but they grab and cushion and lie down without a fuss.
  2. Make It Fun – start with something they already enjoy like TV time or tablet time or playing games. It helps to distract them from the fact that the position can feel quite unusual or uncomfortable at first.
    You could pretend to be sharks as you read a story, do it while they are colouring, or when playing board games (we love collaborative games).
  3. Praise Them – My children are quite competitive, so it helped when I timed them and showed them improving. I also gave them a tonne of praise (whooping, cheering, high fives) however long they managed.
  4. Start Small and Build. Bubbles could do less than five minutes at first, but we kept doing it daily and now she can do thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at a time.

Technique Counts

Here are some key elements to Tummy Time:

  1. Their body should like in a straight line from head to feet. If they struggle to hold that line, you can sandwich them between bodies (lie next to them) or pillows or a sofa or something to keep the line straight.
  2. Both their hips need to be on the floor. That means no tilting, no favouring one side, no wriggling. To make this fun, you can sit a teddy or their favourite toy on their bottom or lower back and reward them if the toy doesn’t fall off.
  3. You can use a cushion under their chest or arms to help make it more comfortable. We also found a rug or blanket under their body helped in the early days to soften the impact of the floor.
  4. The child should prop themselves up on their elbows – either to see something or play the game.

Sarah Lloyd shares a wealth of other ideas to build skills in your children in her book “Improving Sensory Processing in Traumatised Children” including work with blowing, crisps, touch and more.

Why Does This Matter?

Sarah Lloyd was kind enough to share with me, in her own words, the reasons why Tummy Time matters so much:

“Typically developing babies get control from the head down, from all the lovely floor time play we’re wanting babies to be doing with their parents or carers. This allows control to develop very naturally, starting with the head, then the shoulders and core get stronger.

You can see this really clearly if you watch babies learning to roll. When they start they can usually manage to go from their side onto their tummies, and then from their tummies to their backs and finally, from their back over onto their tummy.  From here, they can prop themselves up on their hands / outstretched arms and are almost ready for the off. All of these are such important stages in the child learning where their body is from the inside out, and building stability and strength.

Children who have spent those early months in frightening or neglectful situations tend to miss out on all of these movements that happen within that loving relationship, and this means that their bodies don’t get that fabulous foundation of core strength and stability before they start to move around and walk.”

“But it’s never too late – doing things like Tummy Time is the most effective way to go back and begin to fill in some of those gaps around core stability.”

Sarah Lloyd – author of “Improving Sensory Processing in Traumatized Children”
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Neglect At Their Core

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Bubbles is watching TV. Sitting – but not sitting.

  • She starts on her hands and knees
  • Seconds later, she tucks her bottom in and sits on her legs
  • She wriggles and moves her legs from under her
  • She sits with one leg on, one leg dangling off the sofa
  • Then she’s sits cross-legged
  • She moves again, perching with her bottom in the air

We’d often ask if she wanted the toilet. Mostly she didn’t, so why was she so fidgety, so restless? At teatime, the story is similar…

  • She takes her legs out and dangles one leg over the edge of the chair, so she is precariously off-balance all the time
  • She swings both legs furiously like a frantic pendulum
  • Occasionally she even tips far enough to fall off her chair
  • Always leaning heavily on her arms to keep herself upright, making her eating look clumsy and odd.

She never seems relaxed and I can’t help wondering how this affects her ability to concentrate at school. Is this hypervigilance (from having to always be “on guard” to keep herself safe as a child)? Is it just being a kid, or a reflection of her trauma?

Nothing I read in any of the books on trauma and adoption seem to even mention this physical symptom. I shrug and pray she will eventually “grow out of it.”

She Missed Commando Training

Then we attended a Post Adoption Support course recently on sensory development, led by the insightful and inspiring Sarah Lloyd.

Sarah explained in detail (as we took turns to lie on the floor and crawl) the way a child’s body builds:

  • first in the shoulders and neck – holding their head up, then lying on their tummy and craning to see
  • then rolling, commando-crawling – dragging their body forward with their arms and shoulders
  • later crawling on all fours, with opposite arms and legs moving in synchronised bilateral movement

She talks about floppy children. How you hold them and they sink and sag, as if their stuffing is missing.

Some children miss out on these stages of physical development. They are kept in baby rockers or car seats, and don’t do enough crawling to strengthen their neck and shoulders. Not only that, because they don’t turn and move alot, causing fluid to rush through their inner ear, their sense of balance is under-developed too.

Sarah explains how in extreme cases, a child might have to lean against a wall, their shoulder touching it the whole way, in order to walk down a corridor.

What’s more, she says that emotional regulation comes after physical regulation, so starting here is essential. That really gets my attention!

But They Can Walk!

Sarah asks us ‘At what age should a child be able to walk down the stairs, one foot on each step, without holding onto the railings?‘

Eight? Six? Seven? We suggest tentatively.

‘Two‘ she responds.

The gasps and shock that ripples around the room are clear evidence that our children have not met some physical milestones, despite their other achievements. We boldly offer evidence in their defence: “But they can run miles/ swim/ ride a bike” we protest. Sarah unveils the truth:

You can’t build their bodies from the legs up. They have to build from the neck and shoulder girdle down.

Sarah Lloyd

There Is Hope

As Sarah demonstrates, our children are underdeveloped. Yet she explains that we can take steps to retrace those missing items and build their sensory system in the order it was meant to develop.

Her advice seemed simple, against the complexity of trauma. But encouraged by her research and videos, we decide to give it a go. This is what we do:

  1. Stage 1: Tummy Time. We encourage Bubbles to watch TV at bedtime on her tummy (and other times). At first she manages five minutes before complaining that it hurts, but she builds to an hour within a few months.
  2. Stage 2: Commando Crawling and Wheelbarrows. We create races between the two (for Nibbles joins in after about a month, when his sister rapidly overtakes his shoulder strength). Even to the point that they do a wheelbarrow up the stairs to bed.
  3. Stage 3: Sucky Puddings (see part 2 of this blog).

In the physical stages 1 and 2, Sarah suggest we focus on technique. For instance, on lying straight, both hips on the ground for Tummy Time. It’s not about how long they do it, but getting the body in the right position.

Does It Work?

For the first month, we focused on Stage 1: Tummy Time (read more in my blog detailing this exercise here).

I had low expectations. Not because Sarah wasn’t brilliant, but because it seemed too simple, too obvious.

When was I last kicked at teatime? I thought to myself about a week into the experiment. I put my knife and fork down and sat back in my chair, casting a casual eye at my daughter. She was sat dead centre on the chair, and her legs were swaying a little, but nothing much.

No way. I thought to myself. It’s only been a week or so. Surely not? To say I was surprised was an understatement.

But she continued to sit in this manner. She started to lean back in her chair, without leaning heavily on her arms to keep herself upright. Her posture and core strength began to build, all from bedtime TV Tummy Time.

I was aghast. I wished I’d learnt this years ago. Just hours of lying on her tummy watching TV and she had begun to rebuild her core, resolving years of wiggling, fidgeting and leaning. I became a convert.

Yes there is more to rebuild. Yes it will take time to continue to work on these areas. No we don’t always do the exercises. But it feels that we’ve added another (important) piece of the jigsaw puzzle that will help our children become of the best versions of themselves that they can.

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Fight or Flight?

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When you are stressed, your body creates a number of automatic reactions, over which you have little control.

What used to be known as the fight or flight response can also include freeze and flop. But my children stick to the original line-up.

Flight

Bubbles reacts with Flight. When her emotions, when her world becomes too overwhelming for her, when she doesn’t know how to cope with what she is feeling inside, she runs and hides. In tiny dark corners or under beds, out of reach.

I want to get close, to stroke her back or hand, but mostly I have learnt to keep my distance, until she is ready. Sometimes I stay well away, more often I am close by – sometimes inside and sometimes outside her room.

“I’m right here when you need a hug“

She needs silence and space. Neither of which are easy for me, when I want to envelope her in a big comfy hug and tell her how much I love her.

With time (a few minutes mostly), she calms down, comes out of her room and we have a big hug.

Regulation in Flight

I might want to talk. To soothe away her fears with words and reasoning and more, but I have learnt to be patient. There are 3 stages to helping any child struggling with their emotions:

  1. Regulate
  2. Relate
  3. Reason

(This trilogy comes from Bruce Perry and here is a good graphic about it from Beacon House to print out and put on your fridge.)

Until Bubbles is calm and happy (and it’s up to her to decide when that is), I keep my vocalisation to comforting murmurs:

  • No discussion nor debate
  • No ‘helpful’ suggestions
  • Not even empathic words that tell her we know how she feels
  • It’s best when I say nothing at all

Fight Club

Nibbles reacts with Fight. When he can’t process his emotions and feelings, he raises his fists, frowns and growls, and starts hopping about like a boxer trying to pick a fight. The other day as he raised his fists, he said “Do ya wanna piece of me? Do ya?“

What do I do?

  • I can’t walk away, for that makes him angrier – he will drag on my clothes and up the fighting ante to keep me in the ring with him
  • If I talk to him, most things will anger him even more
  • He hates if I try to be playful (“Stop laughing at me!!“)

It used to be that Nibbles’ rages were few and far between, but they’ve been steadily increasing in the last eight months. Last summer (on my birthday!) he spiralled into a massive rage, surprising the heck out of my husband, who’d never experienced a full-blown rageathon before. Let’s just say neither of us handled that day very well.

Regulation in a Fight

Here’s what we are trying at the moment:

  1. Breathing deeply and staying super calm (blank or concerned facial expressions)
  2. Staying near, but out of arm’s length
  3. Reflecting his own experience in firm, clear words (similar to the tone and pace of his goading) “You must be really cross right now.”

Sometimes using the Theraplay paper-punching game helps him calm. Sometimes asking him to push against our hands with his, to use some of the rage in a more physical manner, works.

Sometimes he needs to get control of a situation, as his rage is often sparked by being told to do something. Clearly, since he is flushed with adrenalin, all choices need to be simple and limited (this OR that). For instance, when he stormed off as we walked to the shops, I sat on the pavement and calmly gave him a “Go Now and get something from the bakery for lunch, or Go Later and the bakery will be shut” choice. Within seconds he had calmed and chosen to Go Now.

But we haven’t got it right all the time yet, so this is definitely still a work in progress.

Becoming An Expert

Mostly what we have discovered is that what works with one child, doesn’t work for the other and what works on one day, backfires spectacularly on the next.

We are learning as we go, refining our approach, licking our wounds when we get it wrong, discussing, debating, reading books (like Sarah Naish’s A to Z) and trying to navigate through the fight and flight world of our children.

Let me know if you have any top tips to shortcut the process….

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Regulation and Dysregulation

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A few years ago I neither knew the word dysregulation nor did I use it frequently when answering my husband’s ‘how was today?’ question.

Yet as I began to learn about adoption, trauma and what drives behaviour, these words crept into my vocabularly, helping me to express my experiences as a mum.

But it turns out that I was not entirely correct in the words I was using to express the behaviours of my children. I believed that regulation and dysregulation were an either/or situation:

  • My child is/ I am regulated – calm, happy in control
  • My child is/ I am dysregulated – out of control, angry, fearful, responding with fight or flight, shouting

Yet as I read in Helen Oakwater’s book “Want to Adopt?”, I learnt that there is more to learn about trauma and emotions than a simple on/off, regulated/dysregulated emotional state.

What Is Regulation?

Regulation (when people are operating within their own unique ‘Window of Tolerance’) is a state where a person is sufficiently in control of their emotions that they can make conscious decisions.

Whilst frequently associated with calmness, we can be excited and regulated, shouting and regulated, running and regulated, sad and regulated.

Dysregulation is a state of emotional agitation, which may be uncomfortable, but the person is still in control, as in they act and respond from their thinking brain.

Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal is a state beyond dysregulation, when the thinking brain is shut down and people respond with from their autonomic nervous system (or ANS) with typically a fight or flight reaction.

There is a similar hypoarousal state, where a child is physical numb and shut down, which some parents might experience (but not me).

This helpful diagram lays out the relationships between regulation, dysregulation and hyper/hypo arousal that you might like to print out for reference.

Hyperarousal (that I have erroneously called dysregulation in this blog) is where our automatic reactions of flight, fight, freeze and flop come into play. In this state, we are unable to think and able only to react in a very basic survival-based way.

When children are in hyperarousal, we use Bruce Perry’s approach, focussing first on regulation. Because until the children (or adult) is calm and regulated, their thinking brain is turned off. So there is zero point to reasoning with them, as they are simply unable to listen or process what you are saying. It’s like trying to light a fire by putting a match to a log, the sequence is all wrong. (See Regulate/ Relate and Reason.)

Whilst I have been using dysregulated in my blog and tweets, what my children were experiencing was actually hyperarousal. Thank you Helen for adding much needed depth and nuance to my understanding.

I hope this blog and description will help you understand some of what goes on in the emotional state of yourself (when you leave your window of tolerance) and the stages to look out for.

You might also find this article on windows of tolerance helpful: https://www.attachment-and-trauma-treatment-centre-for-healing.com/blogs/understanding-and-working-with-the-window-of-tolerance

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Festive Fear for All The Family

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So Christmas (Easter, the Summer, end of term) is upon us again. Tis the season to be jolly, or in our family, tis the season to go a little bit bonkers and have a mini meltdown in a crowd.

Tisn’t The Season To Be Jolly

I love the whole trees, fairy lights, magical side of Christmas (Andy is on the Grinch side of the Christmas divide, but this blog is not about him) and we (okay, I) imagined that the children would love it too. So when they joined our family, we attended lots of Christmas fairs and events with the kids, to immerse them in fun, goodwill and festivities.

But last year, after a fairly bad tempered tree festival, we began to wake up to the fact that these events more often than not deteriorated into crossness, frowns, stomping off and accusations of ‘You are mean.’  We were treading a tightrope across an emotional minefield.

Spontaneous Is Not Fun

From a child’s perspective these events can be:

  • Noisy – there is often loud music and voices clamouring for attention
  • Crowded – being jostled amongst teeming throngs of tall giants isn’t much fun
  • Confusing – do we drink hot chocolate or have cake, listen to the choir or have a lucky dip? They want it all and that’s hard to handle
  • Overwhelming – sounds, sights, smells of food, choices, raised emotions in the people around them, all add up to a sensory assault and rapid overload

These events are different, special, OUT of the ordinary; yet ordinary is what my kids thrive on.

Adopted Children Love Routine

Routine might sometimes be synonymous with boring yet that’s what my children need. They feel safe and happy cossetted in a warm blanket of cosy predictability. Our family is happiest with a simple routine:

  • Getting up at the same time every day and doing things in the same order. The kids beg for breakfast in their PJs on a weekend, but it can throw the whole morning when I ask them to get dressed afterwards
  • Walking the same route to school – when Andy walked them once, Bubbles tugged on his arm and shouted ‘You are Going the Wrong Way!!!!‘
  • Having predictable meals/ mealtimes/ bathtimes/ playtimes/ bedtimes

Christmas is the Anti-Routine. It is a sparkly curveball that wrecks their safety, and threatens their fragile sense of safety and security. So it’s no surprise they don’t react with giggles and glee.

School Timetables Fear

Schools, nurseries, playgroups, churches etc, organise festive feasts of fun. Event after event after event to celebrate religious festivals or Mothers’ Day, Easter bunnies or ends of term. Discos, film nights, singing, dancing, storytelling, plays, performances, sports, clubs, painting, drawing, snowflake cutting, bake sales, fundraising events and more.

Events that are designed with the best of intention, but that create anxiety and fear in adopted children, traumatised children, kids who have experienced upheaval, abuse, violence or loss associated with this time of year, children who are introverted, or SEN, or autistic (the list goes on).

For Bubbles and Nibbles, these events trigger anxiety, discomfort, uncertainty and more. Even if they enjoy the final event, the countdown can be agony. Bubbles will fret for around two weeks before a performance – two weeks when her learning is reduced, when her trauma mask starts to slip, when her emotions are as unstable as TNT.

A Carol Concert of Fear

Bubbles is singing at a carol concert this week. She loves to sing and be part of the choir.

Knowing full well that this was going to trigger her anxiety, I’ve been telling stories about the concert with her, sharing how the audience will be smiling, how her teacher will be looking out for her. Yet I missed something, because I forgot to step into her world. As we walked to school today, we chatted about the concert, and one fear eclipsed them all:

‘The church. It’s big and scary‘ Bubbles told me.

She blew me away. Because not only had she expressed her fear out loud, she had added new detail to it, something that I wish I had known earlier. For we could have visited the church together (in advance). Wandered up and down its aisles, got used to its size and shape in the light of daytime. We could have looked for toilets or exits, seen the doors and the pews, seen light shining in the windows. We could have made friends with the church, and in doing so, taken some of the surprise (aka fear) out of the concert.

Festive Fun is Family Fun

So we are starting a new family Christmas tradition.  A Christmas focused on each other. On our relationships and connection, on our energy and well-being.

We are avoiding all the Christmas fairs and events in our local area (which started in November for heaven’s sake). There is little sign in our house that Christmas is approaching – there are no decorations up yet, no obvious signs of the festive season, and as little change to our routines as we can manage with the exception of Rudolf (our own little mischief maker).

Our children have their solid Sundays – a park run in the morning and a swimming lesson before tea bookend a simple day of family time. There may be a trip to the cinema, some tablet time and a walk but not much else.

We are learning to put predictability at the heart of our family and our festive season, for that is where the most fun will be had.

  • Fun can be simple, easy, calm.
  • Fun can be cheap, low-key, at home
  • Fun can be a picnic in the lounge, baking in the kitchen, dens in the bedroom, bubbles in the bathroom, a Theraplay game for one-on-one time, balloons in every room of the house

The heart of family (and festive) fun is creating a sensory experience that my children are comfortable with from start to finish.  

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The Trauma Mask

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“She seems happy” says Hazel* (from school), as she sits on a table with our social worker Mo*.  We three are discussing how best school can support Bubbles to feel safe and secure.

I sigh deeply and remain silent, shaking my head a little.

Bubbles, like many traumatised children, lives her life behind a mask. A mask of control, of pretence, of keeping her feelings and emotions hidden. The mask only slips when she feels safe – when she feels secure enough to express the inner conflict of her world.

“Is Bubbles happy at school?” Hazel asks, her tone a mix of bewilderment and concern.

What should I say? There isn’t an easy answer.

A High Functioning Traumatised Child

Bubbles achieves in school. She is meeting expectations in all areas, exceeding them in reading. She tries really hard to do what she is told and what is expected of her. She tries (so hard) to please and be recognised and rewarded in school.

To all intents and purposes she might seem like a model pupil. She is what I call a highly functioning traumatised child. Yet a deep dark secret lies beneath the surface. 

But in holding in together, the truth leaks out as clues

  • The way she can tip into anger or frustration with a single misplaced word
  • Her reaction to friendship issues, to rejection taking it beyond personal into a slight on her very soul
  • How any stress or frustration shown by an adult will stress her out ten fold (by taking perceived safety from her)
  • Her chewing (raw, powerful grinding)

At a recent assembly I watched her chewing (as my heart went out to my amazing girl). It wasn’t just a curl of hair that strayed near her mouth; Bubbles was stuffing great handfuls of hair into her mouth and gnawing it with gusto. When it wasn’t her hair, it was the shawl I had crocheted for her. Yet minutes later, when I gently asked her if she was anxious, she denied it and seemed surprised that the shawl was wet.

The touching sight of her anxiety led me to action: whilst school had been hesitant when I had previous suggested one, that day I bought her a chewigem pendant to bite in school and at home (Bubbles was delighted). Her chewing isn’t the issue; anxiety is the issue. Bubbles isn’t present during her anxiety.  She is stuck in flight or fight mode (when her amygdala – what we call Amy – is in charge). Sometimes she simply doesn’t even remember being anxious or angry, as if her brain has blanked it out.

And because she doesn’t know she is anxious, she won’t tell you she is either.

Her Mask is Safety

Bubbles problem is simple: she doesn’t feel safe. Her early years were sufficiently chaotic and disorganised that she learnt that the only way to be safe was to be in control.

  • To take charge of every situation
  • To do what she is told to avoid anger or violence or harsh words
  • To deny her own emotions for they were too painful

She Yearns For Love

To her teachers and the staff, she seems a happy, cheerful model pupil. Like a swan. All elegant gliding on the surface, but beneath the water, her insides are churning like crazy.

Her need for love, for praise, for acknowledgement, for recognition competes with her anxiety. Bubbles sits and practices her times tables, her handwriting, her reading because she wants someone to notice her and smile.

A little eye contact and a smile mean the world to her.

Yet shame is just beneath the surface. A harsh word and her world crumbles. She tries so hard, exhausting herself every day holding everything tight, holding her world together, taking control of every tiny aspect of her life, losing the carefree years of her childhood.

The Mask Falls Away

At home Bubbles feels safe.

She can express her raw, intense emotions without being shouted at, without incurring the attention of the class, without being shamed. The mask falls away and I see just how much keeping it all together during the day costs my little girl.

I am humbled that she trusts me enough to express her rage, her anger, her intensity – and writing this the guilt rises up at the times when I didn’t react with empathy. On a day when multiple things have gone wrong, her rage can last two hours.

Homework is hard. Not because she is lazy or doesn’t care. Sometimes she cares too much.

  • Sometimes (after a good day) she has energy and enthusiasm to spare and aces her homework, which builds her fragile self-esteem
  • After a hard day, when her anxiety left her running on vapours, then it triggers rage because it feels too hard (and rocks her self esteem)
  • If her anxiety is still sky high, then it triggers shame because she can’t remember her spellings or times tables.

Her battle is real, every school day. Yet somehow through all of this, she still manages to absorb information, to learn, to have moments of fun and friendship.

But when you ask me if Bubbles enjoys school, I don’t really know what to tell you.

* not their real names.

This blog is an excerpt from Emma’s forthcoming sequel to her book “And Then There Were Four” that charts the struggle to learn to parent her adoptive children therapeutically, to get support from school and the adoption agency and to educate herself and others in the needs of her adopted children. It will be published in 2019 and entitled “Hugging the Cactus”.

 

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