We’re walking back from school and I ask Bubbles about a forthcoming performance:
- “And how are you feeling about it, sweetie?” I ask (my tone packed with sing-song curiosity)
- “Scared” she replies meekly
And I nearly fall into a trap packed with good intentions. The trap of “Don’t”
Don’t
Parenting can feel like a string of Don’ts: Don’t touch the oven, Don’t throw your food, Don’t strangle your sister, Don’t put cornflakes down your pants for heaven’s sake, Don’t, Don’t, Don’t….
Some Don’ts are for safety, some for sanity, but why do I try and steer their emotions as well? I don’t mean to, I do it almost unconsciously:
- “What if it goes wrong?” – “It won’t go wrong, you’ve done all that hard work” [Don’t think that]
- “But my brother is super annoying” – “No, he’s not, you love him really” [Don’t say that]
- “I am rubbish at this” – “That’s not true, look at these correct answers” [Don’t believe that]
Yet in all these well-meant, half-conscious responses, I am stomping all over their feelings, denying their experiences, and not listening deeply enough to be influenced by what they are saying.They are pointing to some poo on the floor and I am pointing vigorously in the other direction instead, saying “Don’t Show Me That“
Sometimes they get so frustrated at me that they tell me in no uncertain words that I am NOT. LISTENING. TO. THEM.
When Bubbles tells me “I am scared“, it tingles on the tip of my tongue: “Don’t be scared.” But she already is.
Feelings Are Not Right or Wrong
Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.
- Would we say “don’t be sad” to someone who had just experienced a bereavement? No!
- Would tell someone “don’t be happy” if they had just fallen in love? As if!
Whether Bubbles is scared, catatonic, doesn’t want to go, wants to go, is delirious, feels like puking, is ambivalent about it, whatever she is feeling is valid. It’s an expression of everything she has experienced in her life. And if I want her to know that she is loved, she is accepted, that she will always be loved whatever, then I need to let her know that whatever she is feeling is A. okay with me.
Be Curious
Instead, I lean in and get curious.
- “Why are you scared, sweetie?” (more sing-song, no judgement)
- “Because I am in a group with a boy who always stands in the wrong place”
- “Oh… What could you do about that then?”
She has tangible and specific reasons that are stoking her fear that we now discuss. We talk about what she might be able to do about it, and I steer clear of giving her ready-made solutions and focus on asking her questions, to help her gain confidence in solving these things for herself.
By being curious, by being open, by letting her take the lead, this conversation gains a depth and a richness that would never have happened if I had fallen down the “Don’t Feel That” trap. We have a conversation that starts with fear, and ends with true connection, several fabulous ideas to solve it that she came up with all by herself, a sense of relief on both our parts, a big grin on her face and a lovely warm hug.
That is what you can create, if you don’t fall into the Censorship of Don’t.
(irony knows no bounds in this post).
